The Latest Spheel

All my friends know what a "big fan" I am of the company for which I work, but they have officially "taken the cake" now. To go along with substandard computer equipment and operating systems, inadequate pay, freezes on any pay increase and horrible benefits, they are now denying us access to any sort of entertainment on the internet. I realize that some people can go too far and spend too many hours online goofing off, but many of us like to check a quick news story or, my personal favorite, listen to a local radio station online. I can not seem to find a radio that works in my building (which according to my co-worker is due to the excessive lead and mercury contamination in the walls), so my only musical fun is via my computer. I just do not understand why it is so important to Corporate to squelch any "non-work" related activities. Are we really slowing productivity by listen to the radio or checking the local weather? I think that after a year the know-it-alls should run some sort of report to show productivity and I am sure they will show a decline. Unhappy/disgruntled employees do not get as much done....Why should we? It does not help us any to work harder, we reap no thanks, nor benefits.

Not much new on the home front. I was hoping my sister would finish her school crap and get a job, but I am under the impression she is planning on taking more courses, thereby prolonging her mooching activities indefinitely. Must be nice to be that selfish and without conscience to live off your Mother and Sister's money. I will never comprehend her mind. Kayla is about the same. Though I know internally she is deteriorating, her mind is there and she is in good spirits for the most part. I would give just about anything to have one more summer of hikes in the cranberry bogs with both my girls, but I know that will not happen.

I forgot one of my best friends' birthday was today. I feel terrible. I post all the birthdays on the calendar on my home computer, but I never turn it on anymore, so I forgot. I feel like a total shit. I love her dearly and to forget her big day, is awful. If she wasn't 10 or so states away, I would have to take her out for a night of crazy-girl debauchery tonight. Oh well, she knows I love her and still seems to love me. I am lucky to have such forgiving friends. I still owe some other very good friends birthday gifts/dinner....someday soon, I hope.

My caloric diet has suddenly become a tight monetary diet. Money seems to be disappearing left and right, yet I do not know where it is going. I have not purchased anything for myself, other than the essentials, and haven't even gone out for dinner with friends in a bit. The bills for my horse, the dog and now work for the house is depleting my already miniscule funds. I also realized that I screwed up my taxes and did not claim a deduction for a charity donation, which could have saved me paying any money to the IRS. Damn my senile mind.

The warmer weather is approaching. I am hoping to soon get my camera back outside it's case and take some nice pictures of my activities. I have finally started riding my horse again, and getting ready for some possible showing. CV and I are working hard at an attempt to open a dog kennel on the Farm property, an investment for her, but a career for me. I hope it all works out like we see in our minds. I think it would be perfect. With her business sense and my abilities with dogs, I believe we will be a great success.

I Just

I just want to be respected. I just want to be acknowledged as more than a pain in the ass. I just want to walk into my own home and feel welcomed. I do not see any of that happening and it makes me very sad. I walk into my home and the only happy greetings I receive are from the dogs. My Mom ignores my presence and my sister just glares or smirks at me, knowing full well that she is winning....My Mother doesn't want me there and my sister is doing whatever she wants. I just do not get it, why am I always the "Bad One"? I have a job, I pay my bills, I take care of myself, I am responsible. Yet, I ask that my belongings be returned to where I placed them and I am an asshole. I will never understand.

Last night after causing my Mother to leave the room with my comment about respect, I ran on the treadmill, watching my dog pant uncomfortably in front of me. Kayla seems nothing but a shell of a dog now. She waits to be fed and just sleeps. Am I cruel to keep her alive? She just slept and ate before we knew she had cancer, but is she aware of her failing body? She is older, I feel like her mind is going, but I am not sure. I still see glimpses of the same old Kayla, fresh and vibrant....and devoted to me. I do not want to stare at my dog, knowing her body is dying, but I do not want to look at that couch and no longer see my "Bully" there. I am so lost, I do not know what I want or where to go. My home is steadily failing, just like Kayla's body. Part of me is dying and it hurts more than I can stand.

Not Much New

Not much new to report. I have spent most of my past days job hunting. My current employment has pushed me past my level of patience and I am all set. I was offered one job, but the hours were more than I would want. I do not want to be married to my job.

I have been able to see some friends I have not hung out with in awhile. I had a great Mexican dinner with D and Chris, always a good time seeing those gals. Lynchie and I traveled down to Connecticut to see Kerry #3 of our group. Her kids are adorable, it was a nice day of eating and story telling. I wanted to go see my cousin and her kids yesterday, but time would not stand still for me, therefore the day quickly slid by leaving me no time for visiting. Last night, the Brat and I played with his daughter, decorated eggs for Easter and watched "Happy Feet"...good flick. I was beat though, headed home to bed early, only to be woken up by my sister's goddam cat in my room hissing at my dog (who was supposed to be in my room).

I am not sure what the weekend will bring. I have to finish my book for Book Club, hoping to get my hair cut and probably grab more grain for the horses. It never ends.

Maybe next post will be more interesting....filled with all the excitement a new job prospect would bring. Wish me luck.

Bombdiggity Days?

I want to write a book. "About what?" my Mom asked. I don't know. Fiction, loosely based on events in my life? Now I am certainly not saying that my life has been all that interesting, but I have met a lot of different people and learned a lot of different lessons in life. I am also pretty good as spinning an entertaining yarn sometimes. Just yesterday I got a rather straight-laced individual I know to call me the "bomb-diggity". Hee hee. I had said it to him months ago and apparently the insanity of it stuck and he used it yesterday. I was amused. Hmm, possibly I could use the phrase "bomb-diggity" in the title of my novel.

I wonder, if the story is loosely based on my life, and it eventually has to end (hopefully well), then maybe I will find the answer as to what I should be doing with this life. I wonder every day what I could be doing, why I am where I am and what changes will occur next. Melissa Etheridge sings a song entitled "If You Want To" in which she states,

"See I've got this funny notion
life is only just an ocean
I've been drowning in emotion
Now I'm swimming back to shore
And I'd like to talk to you"

I have sang this song more times than I care to recall, but just recently those lyrics struck me. I have learned that events such as this one, which in the past seemed obsolete, striking a cord (no pun intended) within us at a later time, are to be noted and realized as important to the right now. I have allowed myself to drown in emotion, clouding my actual wants/desires and letting self-doubt and regret stop me. I need to continue paddling for the shore, paddling toward my future. Swimming in circles just 100 feet from the shore is exhausting and fruitless labor. I do hate to waste my time. There is also the fear that the sharks that circle just 150feet from shore are looking to pull me further out and eat me alive. I have met some of them, and their bite hurts. I am a stronger swimmer, when I can pull my head out of the water.

I am thirty years old now. Ever since I was a young child, I believed I would not live to be 30. I have no idea why or exactly when that thought came to my mind, but I believed it to be so, even to the night of my 30th birthyday. Well, I am alive, three months into being 30 and still kicking. I realize now, my physical body was not to die before I became thirty, but all the baggage of my past and my old way of being were to pass on. I am changing, and for the better. Turning 30 was good for me, hopefully 31 will be even better.

Sad

The layoffs at work continue. Nothing directly affecting my office, but throughout the country loyal employees are being escorted from their desks. Some of them have been with this company for over 15years and to those of us who are left, they were an asset to a company full of inept fools. I will never understand the inner workings of corporate. My old group is left six people shy, in a group already stretched thinner than a size small panty on a size XXX behind!

I feel badly sitting here job-hunting and wish I would be let go, while others cower at their desks in fear. Why not ask for volunteers? I can not tell you how many people I have talked to during these "Black Days" who would not have minded being one of those released. Maybe we just say it because it was not us who were told to leave and not allowed to pack up their belongings until the weekend, under guard of VPs. It is insulting and degrading. The kicker is, the company made it's best profit ever in 2006, but it just was not enough for shareholders. Greed...it is a mighty power.

Make Me #101

My company is currently going through layoffs. Apparenlty the billions of dollars and greatest earnings ever which occurred in 2006, were not enough for the shareholders. So far about 100 people have been let go across the country, and I want to be added to the list!

Don't get me wrong, I totally need a job. Money has never been so tight. Kayla's meds cost me an additional $200/month, I had to pay a bill that wasn't mine and never was reimbursed and my horse was just injured, costing more money. I have been job searching like crazy, hoping for something part time that will allow me to start my petsitting business. This is the time, I need to go for it. This company is doing nothing but age me quickly.

Home Today

I decided to stay home with Kayla today. I have had an upset stomach for the past week or so and I think a lot of it is stress. I haven't spent enough time with Kayla. I can't stand to be home with my sister. Today she is at school, so I have a quiet morning to spend with my girls. My Bully is sleeping, and as I sit and watch her, I wonder where the time has gone. My heart knows that I have given my friend a good life, far better than many dogs have had, but my punishing mind is attempting to convince me that I have not done enough and I am angry with myself. Kayla is fourteen years old and up until the past six months, she was happy and healthy. So where is the guilt coming from?

This past weekened, my stresses came to a head and I broke down in tears. My sister is putting extra effort into upsetting me and despite myself, I am allowing it to happen. I watched Kayla fall off the couch, only to hear my Mom say in a very casual way, "so she just can't jump on the couch anymore." It is not just that, she is weakening and that comment is further proof that what happens to my dog is completely up to me. For that moment, I was very alone.

Despite the fact that my life has gotten complicated, there are people around me going through so much more. I feel selfish. I am here, but no one comes to me. I want to help, I want to stop stressing about my own existence and do something for those I love. Kayla doesn't know why I stare at her with tears in my eyes. She has no idea that she is dying, she just knows she is hungry all the time and too weak to walk much. She is lucky, part of me wishes I did not understand. Ignorance is bliss.

Too Lucky

I had a fantastic dinner last night! The brat had some free time after a job was cut short and decided to make me dinner..yet again. His latest endeavor....Baked Stuffed Haddock. No recipe and it was delicious. I honestly do not believe I deserve such treatment, but he does...and who am I to argue, right? :-)

It is absolutely pouring out and I really wish I were still in bed. I am totally bored at work and due to a new facial product I tried, my skin is burning and needs to be dunked into a bucket of icewater! Leave it to me to burn even my eyelids off. Oh well, if it gets any worse, I will go out and play in the cold rain.

I started my job search, too bad I have no idea what I want to do. I posted my resume online, but it definitely needs tweeking. I wish I were better at embellishing on my job experience. I have done a lot different jobs, and am always very quick at learning and doing a great job, but how do I make sure that comes across on a resume? I am also terrible at interviews. Maybe sucking down a few nips before an interview would help....loosen me right up and show what a friendly, charismatic person I can be. Hmmm, yeah, maybe not a good idea. A friend of mine suggested making out with the Brat for 10 minutes before I go in. Somehow I think I might miss the interview if I tried that idea. What can I say? There's nothing like a good kiss.

..............................

Sorry, my mind wandered and I lost my train of thought. Ah well, maybe it will help me get through the day faster. Off to day-dream land....

Damn It!

I can not seem to sleep anymore and franky, it is starting to piss me off. I can fall asleep, and usually too early, while watching tv. Once in bed though, I sleep for a couple hours, have some wacked out dream and am half awake for the rest of the night. The dreams are about stupid shit, which makes it all the more worse. It's not like I am having some fantastic dreams that bring a smile to my face or some dreams that answer a plaguing question in my mind. My dreams are a bunch of worrisome bullshit.

So, I am gathering from all this exhausted mind-ranting that it's time for a break. I need a vacation! I need to stop being annoyed at work, I need to stop worrying about the dog, I need to completely ignore and forget about my sister and I need to stop wondering if I am upsetting those around me.

Well, just had a big cluster job dumped on my desk from last night. I guess "need #1" is not going to be fullfilled today.

Quiet Day

It's finally Friday, after a long week of being here with no help. There has not been much work for the field guys, but the office work keeps on coming. Today the boss and one of my more annoying supervisors is out, so it is pretty quiet...figured I would update my blog.

Not much new on the home front. Kayla is doing ok, almost out of her new meds already, so time for another roadtrip to pick some up. My sister is still there....jobless and just as annoying as ever. Her damn dog urinated on the floor again this morning when I tried to pet her....I am now completely ignoring that idiot animal. Isis is Isis, the rock she always has been. She watches everything, protecting her family and keeping that stupid little dog in line when necessary.

I do have some good news for the week. I got a new computer at work! The flatscreen monitor should be arriving today. It is so nice to not have to bring my own personal laptop to work everyday. This one is working wonderfully and I can actually accomplish something without having to go to someone else's computer. I still want a new job though, so it's not that great.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about Love lately. I have always had trouble saying "I love you" to people. I can write it all day long, but letting those three little words fall out of my mouth has always seemed awkward to me. That fact has always bothered me, and become a sticky point in my relationships with some people. I often wondered why it felt so odd to me when I said it. Was I lying? Did I not believe it was true or was I not sure, but felt I had to say it anyway? I believe it all comes down to trust. I never truly trusted that my love would be reciprocated, or that it would last and those three little words can almost weaken one in the eyes of another (if that other person is undeserving). I have been in love before, giving as much as I could to make the other person happy, but all the while I had nagging questions in the back of my mind. In reality, I knew it would not last or it was never meant to be. I believe that knowledge is what made "I love you" so hard to say, even if it was true at that moment. At this time of my life, "I love you" is very easy for me to say, yet it doesn't seem enough. I have someone in my life who I trust, without question, to be there when I need him. He makes me laugh in spite of myself, and when he holds me I know I will be alright. The best aspect of our relationship....I do the same for him. I am happy. I may complain about the rest of my life, but at the end of the day I have a smile on my face because I know that someone is thinking of me and I of him.

Exhausted

I haven't posted in a bit, so I figured I should update my blog. Not much new on the homefront. Kayla seems to be responding well to her new meds, and is loving all the food I give her, especially the two fried eggs each morning. My sister is still driving my Mother and I nuts, and I am TRYING to let it go.

Valentine's Day was different, yet nice. I actually had two days. "The Brat" (my new nickname for him) didn't think we would see each other last night, so we exchanged gifts Tuesday night and had a nice dinner. I did end up seeing him last night though, we grabbed some dinner and I helped him late into the night work on sanding. I got to drive the new big truck. I am not liking the big plow on the front, but still nice to be driving a truck again. As crazy as it seems, I enjoyed the work and it was just nice to spend time with someone who truly appreciates my presence. Plus, I learned a lot, and I love learning, no matter what the subject. We were up late though, so now I am exhausted and can not wait to go to bed tonight.

I have been stressed at work and need a way out. Sadly, thoughts of this place have plagued me to the point of no sleep for the past two weeks. I need to make that change. The constant upset is affecting my relationship and my work performance. I am tired of the bullshit, time to get my butt in gear.

Too Early

Six am on a Saturday morning, too early for me to be awake, especially after the exhausting week I have had. Although I did have my alarm set for 6, I have been up for almost a half hour. Kayla was hungry. I will not complain, I am lucky to still have her to feed. She is doing well, the new meds seem to be helping. She is not able to do much though, simply eat and sleep. Oh wait...that was all she wanted to do before we found out she has cancer.

There is a lot of cancer showing up lately. One of my coworkers has prostate cancer. A friend's husband has rectal cancer. Kelley Tuthill, a really great reporter for Channel 5 News out of Boston, has breast cancer. She shares her terrifying story with everyone via a video diary, including her family's thoughts and all the procedures she must endure. I can't watch it, as I begin to cry each time. I hate cancer, it has taken too many of those we love. Why do we spend so much money making weapons and fighting wars, when our greatest enemy lurks around, randomly choosing whomever it wants for another victim?

It's been a long week. Work is beginning to take its toll and it is definitely time to move on. I should have started getting ready for my business long ago, but my procrastination will make me have to suffer longer at the hands of my Employer. I will get out of there though, as I can not see myself making it through the summer.

This weekend should be fun. This morning/early afternoon I am going snow-tubing with some friends. Well, I am joining them on the venture, but I am not so sure I will go whipping down the side of a mountain on a tube, I need to protect my back. It has not been long since my last set-back and I do not need to be laid up another two weeks. Those who helped me out with all my chores certainly would not be happy with me. I also have a birthday party to attend this evening. We are heading to a rather different type of restaurant and I will be meeting a lot of new people. It will be great to see my friends.

I wish I could shake this cold before all the fun today. I have had a lingering sore throat and stuffy nose for over a week. It's amazing what the kiss of a sick 2yr old can do. I was so hoping after that month-long bout of sickness I had around Christmas, I would be all set for the season.....Not so lucky. Ah well, at least this time I can breath...most of the time.

Home Is....

Where the heart is? Not for me. My heart is on my sleeve, following me wherever I may go. I feel more homeless than ever lately. Nothing fits quite right any longer. My sister is steadily taking over the home Mom and I have built over the past five years, and like she did when we were young, she is steadily pushing me out. Name on the mortgage or not, I am not at home. The only part of this building that makes it a place in which I want to dwell, are my dogs, and I am losing one of them. What will keep me here once they are gone? Mom and I did fine, we had a routine, we tried not to bother each other. Now the interruption is like a veil of fog, choking me daily.

The winter has taken the barn from me as an option for a place of comfort in which to reside. I can not stand the cold and find myself rushing through work that I would normally revel in during the warmer months. I have not spent much time with my horse, giving her nothing but a quick kiss and a scratch on the face. I miss her.

I have a new place to go to when I need comfort, yet as much as I enjoy every moment, it is a temporary daily residence. I have made sure nothing of mine remains, as I would never intrude on someone else's life, invited or not. No matter how much I am told to come whenever I want and that I am wanted and welcomed, that sense of intrusion remains in me. Will it pass? Hopefully in time, but until then...where am I?

As I write this post, I realize home really is "where the heart is". My home is within me, it is where I make it at that very moment. At this moment, I feel lost and alone. If I get down on the floor and hug my big yellow chow-dog, the middle of this bedroom is my home, if only until Isis gets up to be alone. When I go check on Kayla, give her a kiss and make sure I say "I love you", that couch is my home.

As I go through life, I find myself constantly searching for that place where I can hang up my coat and relax, knowing that this is my place, not to be taken away or changed about by anyone without my wanting so. Right now, I will have to settle for my heart, being with those whom I love. I think I will give Isis that hug now....I am tired and want to go Home.

Manic Times

I drove to work today singing along with Sarah Evans, trying to be happy and enjoy the good feelings that her songs brought about for me. With each smile that came to my face, a tear came as well. Do I feel guilty for having happy/positive feelings about one aspect of my life, while another part of my life is on borrowed time? I honestly do not know how to feel. My friends tell me to hold onto the good, as it will help me survive the bad times, but my mind is spinning. I feel like a ball being bounced from one end of the spectrum to the other...one minute very happy, the next utterly heartbroken and living in fear. The fact that I can not seem to allow myself to trust the happiness to last, doesn't help me allow it to erase some of the sadness. They are both absorbing my mind and soul, and I am tired. Hightened emotions can be much more exhausting than any physical exercise I could endure.

So here I sit, thinking about a love gained and a love I am about to lose. I am definitely going to need the positive to pull me through a very dark time to come.

Fluctuations

So many ups and downs lately, it's making me dizzy. My birthday was fantastic. A quiet dinner for two turned out to be a surprise party with 25 of my dear friends. I can't believe they did that for me, I was so honored and touched. We had a fantastic time, my best birthday ever! I also got the courage to tell someone how I really felt, and I am glad I did...especially because he feels the same way.

Today was a downer. Kayla is not well. The vet mentioned surgery again, but I just can not let my selfishness prevail and make my dog go through that stress so I might have her a few extra months. She looked awful when I picked her up from the hospital today, barely able to walk. It's amazing how one can forget one's own pain when a loved one is in need. My back is still a wrenched mess, but I quickly picked up my Beloved Bully and carried her to the car. She is lying on her favorite couch now, feeling pretty good...which is all I really want for her. The people at work are being understanding about my need to miss out on some work because of Kayla. Again, tomorrow I will have to go into work late. I appreciate that they can let me be during this time.

I was disappointed this weekend in someone. I am an optimist when it comes to people about whom I care. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and believe that they will do unto me as I did unto them. I was wrong, very wrong about one person...and it hurts. I believed someone who was so close to me would keep a promise. Again, I was wrong. I should not let it bother me, but it does. I hate for anyone to do things which are knowingly wrong...How must that person feel? Could such a person believe hurting someone who cared is ok? I will never understand. I believed I would hear some birthday greeting, despite all the negativity which has occurred, but I was wrong in that sense as well. It is too bad.

Despite the negativity, I have people who check on me daily, who love me dearly and who would drop anything to come to my aid. I am privileged. I would do the same for them. I guess that is what Love is all about.

Traversing the Jungle

My Bandwagon feels as though it is currently rolling through a South American Jungle at top speed. There is nothing smooth about it and I am having a hard time holding on. My back is a complete mess, even Dr. Crankinpuss couldn't fix it and I can barely walk. Kayla is getting sick from her meds and needs to be let out every half hour. My sister is moving back home this weekend and I haven't had the time, nor the physical ability to remove my computer and other belongings from the spare room. To top it all off....this is my birthday weekend. I think I should just ignore it. I had to put the cabosh on making any plans to go away with my friends. Even without my back being a mess, I do not want to leave Kayla for any length of time. I do have tentative plans for dinner and a movie...something relaxing. I think that would be nice. I have been so upset and cranky lately, having someone who can make me smile through the pain is amazing and most appreciated.

The hour drive to work is too much for me at this time. I put in for tomorrow off, still waiting to hear. I feel terrible as I was off Monday for Kayla, Wednesday for my back and need tomorrow off. I finished all my work today by noontime, so it should not be too detrimental to the team, but they seem to think the world will end if I am not sitting here waiting for them to give me work. I am really tired of the old "hurry up and wait." Tomorrow I need to rest. I have no plans for the evening, so I can just stay in my room and try to relax my back. I have to get better.....ASAP!

An Update

Kayla has cancer. The veterinarian believes she has insulinoma. It is a cancer of the pancreas, which causes an abundance of insulin to be released, therefore decreasing her blood sugar levels and leading to the fainting/weakness spells that Kayla has endured. I don’t know what to say. I am devastated. I told the Doctor….No surgery. I will not be selfish and make my friend suffer the pain of surgery so I can have her in my life a few more months. Instead, I will do my best to keep her happy and healthy as long as I possibly can. It’s not fair to have to make such decisions, but it is my duty as her friend and pack-mate. I am not her owner…she is much more than any property.

I am currently lying in bed at home. I had to leave work early, as my back is in so much pain I can barely walk. The stress of Kayla being ill and my sister moving home has finally caught up with me, and bending a total of 4 inches this morning twisted my hip at least 3 inches out of alignment. I haven’t felt this much pain in well over a year. I feel like a failure. Really great at handling stress, aren’t I? My chiro will fix it this afternoon and off I will go, back to my daily duties.

Despite all the intense pressures that have come about in my life, I had a wonderful weekend. I have someone in my life that looks at me with such caring, I am lost in those feelings. We laughed and I was able to relax, and if only for a short time, forget all the troubles of life. I am sorry that it couldn’t last, but 2 days are better than none.

So…how am I? Will I be ok? Those are the questions my friends continue to ask. I don’t know. I am sad. Yesterday…I was beyond angry. Today I am hurting too much to concentrate. Do I feel guilty for having a good weekend with someone who cares about me? Partly yes. Kayla is ill…I love her. I punished myself yesterday by letting everything anger or upset me. I lost my patience, I fueled my negative emotions. I did not know what else to do after the vet told me my dog was dying. But after that day of utter misery, I let go of my obstinence and I asked for a hug. I got one…and I felt better. Today is not better. Tomorrow…no idea. Up and down…tis life.

A Test?

I am really trying to think positive, but when my beloved dog of 10years looks up at me with fear in her eyes and falls to the ground, my hope tends to fluctuate to despair. Kayla is my baby-girl. She was caught in a coyote trap, very scared, and not trusting anyone, and after a month, finally came to trust me and only me. I will never forget the day this 70lb American Bulldog, who growled frightened at everyone, climbed onto my lap in the pound and kissed my face. From that point on, Kayla and I have been best buds. I spent six months working with her to get into a car and after a year in the dog pound, I finally took her home. She is the most kind-hearted, fun-loving dog I have ever met, and I love her with all my being. Now she is quite ill and I don't know what to do to make her better. She has these dizzy spells lately and the fear in her face cuts me to my core. Tomorrow we are going to see the vet and try to find out what is wrong. I am so frightened for her, but I will not make her suffer. I love her, I pray she can be treated and get better. No matter what the doctor says, my baby-girl will not hurt....even if I die inside.

Missing Something

For the past few days I have felt there is someone with whom I need to speak. I kept continuously going to my email, hitting compose, but nothing. I would send short, unimportant messages to various people, but could not figure out what I wanted to say. Today, the longing increased to the point of a great uncomfortability coming over me. I did not know what it was, almost thought I was getting ill. I was missing my friend.

My birthday is this month. I am an Aquarius. Nicky was also an Aquarius and he would constantly point out how we "Crazy Aquarians" had to stick together. I need to talk to Nicky. Some changes have come about recently in my life and though I have quite a few friends with whom I can confide, the particular subject is something I always was most comfortable talking over with Nick. He was honest, but made me laugh...even if he thought I was being a fool. I wonder what he would say to me now. I can not remember how many times I went over to his desk at work, or emailed him or we went out for a few drinks and talked for hours about life and how to enjoy it. Nicky knew how to enjoy life, he wanted me to do the same, and erase the worry that attaches to my every thought. I want Nicky there for my 30th birthday party. I want to hear him laugh at me when I tell him I don't know what I am so afraid of. I want to hear stories about what my lunatic friend has been up to.

I thought I was done crying for my Nicky, but I cried the entire ride home from work. He was there, he was listening. I wish I could hear him. I miss my friend and I hope he is laughing at my silliness right now.

Idle Hands Erupt

Another boring afternoon at work. Billing close is over, work is slow and I am dying to get out of here!!! So, I decided to screw around with my blog. Notice..Title change. What the hell does "Bandwagon Lanyard" mean, you ask? Well, I am determined to stay on the positive bandwagon for 2007, no more self-doubt and negative bullshit. But, knowing me, I will slip. Therefore, a lanyard (for those who have no clue) is a strap used with a safety harness, which will symbolically let me flop off the ole bandwagon, yet still dangle and be able to climb right back on, hopefully without hitting the ground at full force. This blog will be my lanyard, helping to keep my on board, while letting me toss around the ideas that plague or rejuvinate me. I know, odd...but that's me.

So, as I don't have anything important to say, I figured I would mention something that struck me funny last night. I was watching tv with a friend and as I am practically falling asleep, an info-mercial for Sexually transmitted diseases comes on the television. All I could think was, "great thought to fall asleep with floating in my head." Well, immediately following that piece of late night information, a commercial for a jewelry store and specifically Valentine's Day comes on. Who does that? Do the people who plan the schedules even think about the order in which the advertisements fall? Did they do that on purpose? Sick sense of humor perhaps? I don't know, just found it odd....amusing, yet odd. Commercial #1: Abstinance is best...you never know if your partner might not be aware of a "condition". Commercial #2: Love it up and spend big money on each other, sure way to get laid. Hmm, now that I think about it, I would have had the Valentine's commercial before the STD info-ad....hard to grasp the thought of Valentine's day after hearing the gory details of "outbreaks" and such. Just a thought.....