Bombdiggity Days?

I want to write a book. "About what?" my Mom asked. I don't know. Fiction, loosely based on events in my life? Now I am certainly not saying that my life has been all that interesting, but I have met a lot of different people and learned a lot of different lessons in life. I am also pretty good as spinning an entertaining yarn sometimes. Just yesterday I got a rather straight-laced individual I know to call me the "bomb-diggity". Hee hee. I had said it to him months ago and apparently the insanity of it stuck and he used it yesterday. I was amused. Hmm, possibly I could use the phrase "bomb-diggity" in the title of my novel.

I wonder, if the story is loosely based on my life, and it eventually has to end (hopefully well), then maybe I will find the answer as to what I should be doing with this life. I wonder every day what I could be doing, why I am where I am and what changes will occur next. Melissa Etheridge sings a song entitled "If You Want To" in which she states,

"See I've got this funny notion
life is only just an ocean
I've been drowning in emotion
Now I'm swimming back to shore
And I'd like to talk to you"

I have sang this song more times than I care to recall, but just recently those lyrics struck me. I have learned that events such as this one, which in the past seemed obsolete, striking a cord (no pun intended) within us at a later time, are to be noted and realized as important to the right now. I have allowed myself to drown in emotion, clouding my actual wants/desires and letting self-doubt and regret stop me. I need to continue paddling for the shore, paddling toward my future. Swimming in circles just 100 feet from the shore is exhausting and fruitless labor. I do hate to waste my time. There is also the fear that the sharks that circle just 150feet from shore are looking to pull me further out and eat me alive. I have met some of them, and their bite hurts. I am a stronger swimmer, when I can pull my head out of the water.

I am thirty years old now. Ever since I was a young child, I believed I would not live to be 30. I have no idea why or exactly when that thought came to my mind, but I believed it to be so, even to the night of my 30th birthyday. Well, I am alive, three months into being 30 and still kicking. I realize now, my physical body was not to die before I became thirty, but all the baggage of my past and my old way of being were to pass on. I am changing, and for the better. Turning 30 was good for me, hopefully 31 will be even better.

Sad

The layoffs at work continue. Nothing directly affecting my office, but throughout the country loyal employees are being escorted from their desks. Some of them have been with this company for over 15years and to those of us who are left, they were an asset to a company full of inept fools. I will never understand the inner workings of corporate. My old group is left six people shy, in a group already stretched thinner than a size small panty on a size XXX behind!

I feel badly sitting here job-hunting and wish I would be let go, while others cower at their desks in fear. Why not ask for volunteers? I can not tell you how many people I have talked to during these "Black Days" who would not have minded being one of those released. Maybe we just say it because it was not us who were told to leave and not allowed to pack up their belongings until the weekend, under guard of VPs. It is insulting and degrading. The kicker is, the company made it's best profit ever in 2006, but it just was not enough for shareholders. Greed...it is a mighty power.

Make Me #101

My company is currently going through layoffs. Apparenlty the billions of dollars and greatest earnings ever which occurred in 2006, were not enough for the shareholders. So far about 100 people have been let go across the country, and I want to be added to the list!

Don't get me wrong, I totally need a job. Money has never been so tight. Kayla's meds cost me an additional $200/month, I had to pay a bill that wasn't mine and never was reimbursed and my horse was just injured, costing more money. I have been job searching like crazy, hoping for something part time that will allow me to start my petsitting business. This is the time, I need to go for it. This company is doing nothing but age me quickly.

Home Today

I decided to stay home with Kayla today. I have had an upset stomach for the past week or so and I think a lot of it is stress. I haven't spent enough time with Kayla. I can't stand to be home with my sister. Today she is at school, so I have a quiet morning to spend with my girls. My Bully is sleeping, and as I sit and watch her, I wonder where the time has gone. My heart knows that I have given my friend a good life, far better than many dogs have had, but my punishing mind is attempting to convince me that I have not done enough and I am angry with myself. Kayla is fourteen years old and up until the past six months, she was happy and healthy. So where is the guilt coming from?

This past weekened, my stresses came to a head and I broke down in tears. My sister is putting extra effort into upsetting me and despite myself, I am allowing it to happen. I watched Kayla fall off the couch, only to hear my Mom say in a very casual way, "so she just can't jump on the couch anymore." It is not just that, she is weakening and that comment is further proof that what happens to my dog is completely up to me. For that moment, I was very alone.

Despite the fact that my life has gotten complicated, there are people around me going through so much more. I feel selfish. I am here, but no one comes to me. I want to help, I want to stop stressing about my own existence and do something for those I love. Kayla doesn't know why I stare at her with tears in my eyes. She has no idea that she is dying, she just knows she is hungry all the time and too weak to walk much. She is lucky, part of me wishes I did not understand. Ignorance is bliss.

Too Lucky

I had a fantastic dinner last night! The brat had some free time after a job was cut short and decided to make me dinner..yet again. His latest endeavor....Baked Stuffed Haddock. No recipe and it was delicious. I honestly do not believe I deserve such treatment, but he does...and who am I to argue, right? :-)

It is absolutely pouring out and I really wish I were still in bed. I am totally bored at work and due to a new facial product I tried, my skin is burning and needs to be dunked into a bucket of icewater! Leave it to me to burn even my eyelids off. Oh well, if it gets any worse, I will go out and play in the cold rain.

I started my job search, too bad I have no idea what I want to do. I posted my resume online, but it definitely needs tweeking. I wish I were better at embellishing on my job experience. I have done a lot different jobs, and am always very quick at learning and doing a great job, but how do I make sure that comes across on a resume? I am also terrible at interviews. Maybe sucking down a few nips before an interview would help....loosen me right up and show what a friendly, charismatic person I can be. Hmmm, yeah, maybe not a good idea. A friend of mine suggested making out with the Brat for 10 minutes before I go in. Somehow I think I might miss the interview if I tried that idea. What can I say? There's nothing like a good kiss.

..............................

Sorry, my mind wandered and I lost my train of thought. Ah well, maybe it will help me get through the day faster. Off to day-dream land....