Home Today

I decided to stay home with Kayla today. I have had an upset stomach for the past week or so and I think a lot of it is stress. I haven't spent enough time with Kayla. I can't stand to be home with my sister. Today she is at school, so I have a quiet morning to spend with my girls. My Bully is sleeping, and as I sit and watch her, I wonder where the time has gone. My heart knows that I have given my friend a good life, far better than many dogs have had, but my punishing mind is attempting to convince me that I have not done enough and I am angry with myself. Kayla is fourteen years old and up until the past six months, she was happy and healthy. So where is the guilt coming from?

This past weekened, my stresses came to a head and I broke down in tears. My sister is putting extra effort into upsetting me and despite myself, I am allowing it to happen. I watched Kayla fall off the couch, only to hear my Mom say in a very casual way, "so she just can't jump on the couch anymore." It is not just that, she is weakening and that comment is further proof that what happens to my dog is completely up to me. For that moment, I was very alone.

Despite the fact that my life has gotten complicated, there are people around me going through so much more. I feel selfish. I am here, but no one comes to me. I want to help, I want to stop stressing about my own existence and do something for those I love. Kayla doesn't know why I stare at her with tears in my eyes. She has no idea that she is dying, she just knows she is hungry all the time and too weak to walk much. She is lucky, part of me wishes I did not understand. Ignorance is bliss.