The Latest Spheel

All my friends know what a "big fan" I am of the company for which I work, but they have officially "taken the cake" now. To go along with substandard computer equipment and operating systems, inadequate pay, freezes on any pay increase and horrible benefits, they are now denying us access to any sort of entertainment on the internet. I realize that some people can go too far and spend too many hours online goofing off, but many of us like to check a quick news story or, my personal favorite, listen to a local radio station online. I can not seem to find a radio that works in my building (which according to my co-worker is due to the excessive lead and mercury contamination in the walls), so my only musical fun is via my computer. I just do not understand why it is so important to Corporate to squelch any "non-work" related activities. Are we really slowing productivity by listen to the radio or checking the local weather? I think that after a year the know-it-alls should run some sort of report to show productivity and I am sure they will show a decline. Unhappy/disgruntled employees do not get as much done....Why should we? It does not help us any to work harder, we reap no thanks, nor benefits.

Not much new on the home front. I was hoping my sister would finish her school crap and get a job, but I am under the impression she is planning on taking more courses, thereby prolonging her mooching activities indefinitely. Must be nice to be that selfish and without conscience to live off your Mother and Sister's money. I will never comprehend her mind. Kayla is about the same. Though I know internally she is deteriorating, her mind is there and she is in good spirits for the most part. I would give just about anything to have one more summer of hikes in the cranberry bogs with both my girls, but I know that will not happen.

I forgot one of my best friends' birthday was today. I feel terrible. I post all the birthdays on the calendar on my home computer, but I never turn it on anymore, so I forgot. I feel like a total shit. I love her dearly and to forget her big day, is awful. If she wasn't 10 or so states away, I would have to take her out for a night of crazy-girl debauchery tonight. Oh well, she knows I love her and still seems to love me. I am lucky to have such forgiving friends. I still owe some other very good friends birthday gifts/dinner....someday soon, I hope.

My caloric diet has suddenly become a tight monetary diet. Money seems to be disappearing left and right, yet I do not know where it is going. I have not purchased anything for myself, other than the essentials, and haven't even gone out for dinner with friends in a bit. The bills for my horse, the dog and now work for the house is depleting my already miniscule funds. I also realized that I screwed up my taxes and did not claim a deduction for a charity donation, which could have saved me paying any money to the IRS. Damn my senile mind.

The warmer weather is approaching. I am hoping to soon get my camera back outside it's case and take some nice pictures of my activities. I have finally started riding my horse again, and getting ready for some possible showing. CV and I are working hard at an attempt to open a dog kennel on the Farm property, an investment for her, but a career for me. I hope it all works out like we see in our minds. I think it would be perfect. With her business sense and my abilities with dogs, I believe we will be a great success.

I Just

I just want to be respected. I just want to be acknowledged as more than a pain in the ass. I just want to walk into my own home and feel welcomed. I do not see any of that happening and it makes me very sad. I walk into my home and the only happy greetings I receive are from the dogs. My Mom ignores my presence and my sister just glares or smirks at me, knowing full well that she is winning....My Mother doesn't want me there and my sister is doing whatever she wants. I just do not get it, why am I always the "Bad One"? I have a job, I pay my bills, I take care of myself, I am responsible. Yet, I ask that my belongings be returned to where I placed them and I am an asshole. I will never understand.

Last night after causing my Mother to leave the room with my comment about respect, I ran on the treadmill, watching my dog pant uncomfortably in front of me. Kayla seems nothing but a shell of a dog now. She waits to be fed and just sleeps. Am I cruel to keep her alive? She just slept and ate before we knew she had cancer, but is she aware of her failing body? She is older, I feel like her mind is going, but I am not sure. I still see glimpses of the same old Kayla, fresh and vibrant....and devoted to me. I do not want to stare at my dog, knowing her body is dying, but I do not want to look at that couch and no longer see my "Bully" there. I am so lost, I do not know what I want or where to go. My home is steadily failing, just like Kayla's body. Part of me is dying and it hurts more than I can stand.

Not Much New

Not much new to report. I have spent most of my past days job hunting. My current employment has pushed me past my level of patience and I am all set. I was offered one job, but the hours were more than I would want. I do not want to be married to my job.

I have been able to see some friends I have not hung out with in awhile. I had a great Mexican dinner with D and Chris, always a good time seeing those gals. Lynchie and I traveled down to Connecticut to see Kerry #3 of our group. Her kids are adorable, it was a nice day of eating and story telling. I wanted to go see my cousin and her kids yesterday, but time would not stand still for me, therefore the day quickly slid by leaving me no time for visiting. Last night, the Brat and I played with his daughter, decorated eggs for Easter and watched "Happy Feet"...good flick. I was beat though, headed home to bed early, only to be woken up by my sister's goddam cat in my room hissing at my dog (who was supposed to be in my room).

I am not sure what the weekend will bring. I have to finish my book for Book Club, hoping to get my hair cut and probably grab more grain for the horses. It never ends.

Maybe next post will be more interesting....filled with all the excitement a new job prospect would bring. Wish me luck.