I Just

I just want to be respected. I just want to be acknowledged as more than a pain in the ass. I just want to walk into my own home and feel welcomed. I do not see any of that happening and it makes me very sad. I walk into my home and the only happy greetings I receive are from the dogs. My Mom ignores my presence and my sister just glares or smirks at me, knowing full well that she is winning....My Mother doesn't want me there and my sister is doing whatever she wants. I just do not get it, why am I always the "Bad One"? I have a job, I pay my bills, I take care of myself, I am responsible. Yet, I ask that my belongings be returned to where I placed them and I am an asshole. I will never understand.

Last night after causing my Mother to leave the room with my comment about respect, I ran on the treadmill, watching my dog pant uncomfortably in front of me. Kayla seems nothing but a shell of a dog now. She waits to be fed and just sleeps. Am I cruel to keep her alive? She just slept and ate before we knew she had cancer, but is she aware of her failing body? She is older, I feel like her mind is going, but I am not sure. I still see glimpses of the same old Kayla, fresh and vibrant....and devoted to me. I do not want to stare at my dog, knowing her body is dying, but I do not want to look at that couch and no longer see my "Bully" there. I am so lost, I do not know what I want or where to go. My home is steadily failing, just like Kayla's body. Part of me is dying and it hurts more than I can stand.