Attempted Presence

"Maybe." "Is that so?" "This too shall pass."

These are going to be my responses to my mind's responses to what happens/is to happen. One of those phrases will be my response to another's thoughts on an event. I need to do as I am attempting to learn reading Eckardt Tolle's "A New Earth", and remain non-reactive.

I read "A New Earth" over 2 years ago. It was perfect to help me deal with the issues in my life at that time, but somehow I lost all I had learned and fell back into a state of over-reaction and mind-obsessed thinking. It's hard, but I am slowly taking control of my racing thoughts and raging emotions and accepting that which is/has been/will be.

As I drove home from work last week, I was doing the usual....obsessing on the list of negatives I find in my life. Something suddenly came to me, a quiet, calm voice in the background...."enough". The positives are so much more impressive and worth so much more of my time. That which I deem negative is only negative because I think of it as such. No more. Each day I remember what makes me content in life, what makes me smile...and I then do smile, inside and out.

There will be a new addition to our family! Her name is Dyna. She is a 3yr old Rhodesian Ridgeback/Shepherd cross. Dyna is a one of many Satos on the island of Vieques, Puerto Rico. Mom and I are adopting her from the same shelter from which I adopted my Vaquita. So many people ask me why I am adopting a dog from Puerto Rico and not from the local area, making accusations, as though I am betraying the animals in the local area. I have attempted to come up with an explanation as to why I choose a Sato. I do not need an excuse. Why does it matter from what location I find the dog, as long as I adopt a homeless animal. Vaquita and Dyna are just as deserving of a chance, as any dog I could find in a local shelter. Vaquita would have died had I not decided to adopt her, we were meant to be. I believe Dyna is meant to be with my Mom and Isis. Isis is lonely, she misses her sister and I believe would be happy with a companion. She can be tough to read with other dogs, but I have a good feeling about this match-up. Dyna should be arriving in the next month, we are all very excited.

This is Isis, a most wonderful gift in the life of my family.




This is Dyna....she will be welcomed with open arms...and hopefully open paws.

Sleepless Nights

Sleep has evaded me for the past couple days. My mind is riddled with dreams, most of which I can not remember. The dream to which I awoke this morning will not leave my mind soon enough. I dreamt of Kayla, my beautiful American Bulldog, who passed away last year. I think of her daily, miss her more than words and am plagued with the what-ifs. What if I had taken Kayla to the doctor sooner? What if I had opted to have her endure the surgery to remove the tumor? Would she still be with us? I love my Vaquita, but Kayla was my best friend. We were meant to be together, I truely believe that statement to be fact. I have never felt such devotion as I did when I was with her and I will never feel such relief as I did the day she decided to trust me and climbed into my lap at the Animal Shelter.

Nothing feels the same since Kayla passed away. I am not the same, Isis is not the same...our home feels quiet and empty. In my dream last night, the house was full of excitement, the other dogs that are currently in my life running around having fun. Kayla was not playing, she was walking around looking lost. She had her surgery to remove the tumor and was supposed to be better. She looked like her fit self, strong and muscled like I want to remember. Her eyes told me another story. I saw the sadness that I stared at every day for months before she died. I saw her stagger and fall to the ground, and though Mom tried to say maybe she just needed to walk more to get strong again, Kayla's eyes told me another truth. The surgery did not work, she was dying. I woke up with that thought, again..she is dying. I woke up to that thought every morning for so long, I want to wake up knowing that Kayla is happy. Maybe she was trying to tell me something, maybe she wanted me to know I made the right decision...or maybe it was just my head fucking with me again. I do not know. All I know right now is that I need to not cry right now, I need to accept that she is gone. I do not think I will ever stop crying for my Kayla Baby.