Sleep has evaded me for the past couple days. My mind is riddled with dreams, most of which I can not remember. The dream to which I awoke this morning will not leave my mind soon enough. I dreamt of Kayla, my beautiful American Bulldog, who passed away last year. I think of her daily, miss her more than words and am plagued with the what-ifs. What if I had taken Kayla to the doctor sooner? What if I had opted to have her endure the surgery to remove the tumor? Would she still be with us? I love my Vaquita, but Kayla was my best friend. We were meant to be together, I truely believe that statement to be fact. I have never felt such devotion as I did when I was with her and I will never feel such relief as I did the day she decided to trust me and climbed into my lap at the Animal Shelter.
Nothing feels the same since Kayla passed away. I am not the same, Isis is not the same...our home feels quiet and empty. In my dream last night, the house was full of excitement, the other dogs that are currently in my life running around having fun. Kayla was not playing, she was walking around looking lost. She had her surgery to remove the tumor and was supposed to be better. She looked like her fit self, strong and muscled like I want to remember. Her eyes told me another story. I saw the sadness that I stared at every day for months before she died. I saw her stagger and fall to the ground, and though Mom tried to say maybe she just needed to walk more to get strong again, Kayla's eyes told me another truth. The surgery did not work, she was dying. I woke up with that thought, again..she is dying. I woke up to that thought every morning for so long, I want to wake up knowing that Kayla is happy. Maybe she was trying to tell me something, maybe she wanted me to know I made the right decision...or maybe it was just my head fucking with me again. I do not know. All I know right now is that I need to not cry right now, I need to accept that she is gone. I do not think I will ever stop crying for my Kayla Baby.
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I had a similar dream about my mom after she died, and I have a friend who's mom just passed away and she had a similar dream about a month later. I have to believe that is our loved ones letting usknow they're okay and that's what your dream seems like. She had the surgery and it wasn't enough, so you did do the right thing.
Have you thought about getting medical insurance on your babies? I just saw a thing on the news about how much money people are spending on major medical costs for their pets and having trouble determining how much is too much, etc., and a lot of it depends on how much a part of your family that pet is, and you know how us animal-lovers are about our pets!
Hope everything else is going okay for you. ;)
G
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