Damn It!

I can not seem to sleep anymore and franky, it is starting to piss me off. I can fall asleep, and usually too early, while watching tv. Once in bed though, I sleep for a couple hours, have some wacked out dream and am half awake for the rest of the night. The dreams are about stupid shit, which makes it all the more worse. It's not like I am having some fantastic dreams that bring a smile to my face or some dreams that answer a plaguing question in my mind. My dreams are a bunch of worrisome bullshit.

So, I am gathering from all this exhausted mind-ranting that it's time for a break. I need a vacation! I need to stop being annoyed at work, I need to stop worrying about the dog, I need to completely ignore and forget about my sister and I need to stop wondering if I am upsetting those around me.

Well, just had a big cluster job dumped on my desk from last night. I guess "need #1" is not going to be fullfilled today.

Quiet Day

It's finally Friday, after a long week of being here with no help. There has not been much work for the field guys, but the office work keeps on coming. Today the boss and one of my more annoying supervisors is out, so it is pretty quiet...figured I would update my blog.

Not much new on the home front. Kayla is doing ok, almost out of her new meds already, so time for another roadtrip to pick some up. My sister is still there....jobless and just as annoying as ever. Her damn dog urinated on the floor again this morning when I tried to pet her....I am now completely ignoring that idiot animal. Isis is Isis, the rock she always has been. She watches everything, protecting her family and keeping that stupid little dog in line when necessary.

I do have some good news for the week. I got a new computer at work! The flatscreen monitor should be arriving today. It is so nice to not have to bring my own personal laptop to work everyday. This one is working wonderfully and I can actually accomplish something without having to go to someone else's computer. I still want a new job though, so it's not that great.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about Love lately. I have always had trouble saying "I love you" to people. I can write it all day long, but letting those three little words fall out of my mouth has always seemed awkward to me. That fact has always bothered me, and become a sticky point in my relationships with some people. I often wondered why it felt so odd to me when I said it. Was I lying? Did I not believe it was true or was I not sure, but felt I had to say it anyway? I believe it all comes down to trust. I never truly trusted that my love would be reciprocated, or that it would last and those three little words can almost weaken one in the eyes of another (if that other person is undeserving). I have been in love before, giving as much as I could to make the other person happy, but all the while I had nagging questions in the back of my mind. In reality, I knew it would not last or it was never meant to be. I believe that knowledge is what made "I love you" so hard to say, even if it was true at that moment. At this time of my life, "I love you" is very easy for me to say, yet it doesn't seem enough. I have someone in my life who I trust, without question, to be there when I need him. He makes me laugh in spite of myself, and when he holds me I know I will be alright. The best aspect of our relationship....I do the same for him. I am happy. I may complain about the rest of my life, but at the end of the day I have a smile on my face because I know that someone is thinking of me and I of him.

Exhausted

I haven't posted in a bit, so I figured I should update my blog. Not much new on the homefront. Kayla seems to be responding well to her new meds, and is loving all the food I give her, especially the two fried eggs each morning. My sister is still driving my Mother and I nuts, and I am TRYING to let it go.

Valentine's Day was different, yet nice. I actually had two days. "The Brat" (my new nickname for him) didn't think we would see each other last night, so we exchanged gifts Tuesday night and had a nice dinner. I did end up seeing him last night though, we grabbed some dinner and I helped him late into the night work on sanding. I got to drive the new big truck. I am not liking the big plow on the front, but still nice to be driving a truck again. As crazy as it seems, I enjoyed the work and it was just nice to spend time with someone who truly appreciates my presence. Plus, I learned a lot, and I love learning, no matter what the subject. We were up late though, so now I am exhausted and can not wait to go to bed tonight.

I have been stressed at work and need a way out. Sadly, thoughts of this place have plagued me to the point of no sleep for the past two weeks. I need to make that change. The constant upset is affecting my relationship and my work performance. I am tired of the bullshit, time to get my butt in gear.

Too Early

Six am on a Saturday morning, too early for me to be awake, especially after the exhausting week I have had. Although I did have my alarm set for 6, I have been up for almost a half hour. Kayla was hungry. I will not complain, I am lucky to still have her to feed. She is doing well, the new meds seem to be helping. She is not able to do much though, simply eat and sleep. Oh wait...that was all she wanted to do before we found out she has cancer.

There is a lot of cancer showing up lately. One of my coworkers has prostate cancer. A friend's husband has rectal cancer. Kelley Tuthill, a really great reporter for Channel 5 News out of Boston, has breast cancer. She shares her terrifying story with everyone via a video diary, including her family's thoughts and all the procedures she must endure. I can't watch it, as I begin to cry each time. I hate cancer, it has taken too many of those we love. Why do we spend so much money making weapons and fighting wars, when our greatest enemy lurks around, randomly choosing whomever it wants for another victim?

It's been a long week. Work is beginning to take its toll and it is definitely time to move on. I should have started getting ready for my business long ago, but my procrastination will make me have to suffer longer at the hands of my Employer. I will get out of there though, as I can not see myself making it through the summer.

This weekend should be fun. This morning/early afternoon I am going snow-tubing with some friends. Well, I am joining them on the venture, but I am not so sure I will go whipping down the side of a mountain on a tube, I need to protect my back. It has not been long since my last set-back and I do not need to be laid up another two weeks. Those who helped me out with all my chores certainly would not be happy with me. I also have a birthday party to attend this evening. We are heading to a rather different type of restaurant and I will be meeting a lot of new people. It will be great to see my friends.

I wish I could shake this cold before all the fun today. I have had a lingering sore throat and stuffy nose for over a week. It's amazing what the kiss of a sick 2yr old can do. I was so hoping after that month-long bout of sickness I had around Christmas, I would be all set for the season.....Not so lucky. Ah well, at least this time I can breath...most of the time.