My Kayla-Baby

I haven't felt much like writing lately. I do not even want to look at my own blog, as I do not want to see the reminder post that Kayla is gone. The house is so empty without her bright-eyed, goofy presence. Isis misses her sister, she stays in the living room waiting for her and runs right to Kayla's couch to see if she came back when Isis was not looking. After 11 years together, we all feel lost without our bully friend.

The Veterinarian who treated Kayla and then helped her to finally rest sent us a very nice card. She really liked Kayla and appreciated her perfect temperment. It is nice to know my shy girl made such an impact on so many lives. She was a gift, one of the most perfect kind.

The story behind my beautiful American Bulldog is one of a kind. I worked at an Animal Shelter in my hometown for about 6 years. I loved it there, met so many great people and wonderful animals. I also learned more than I can explain. I remember seeing my Kayla for the first time like it was yesterday. Linda, the Animal Control Officer, had gotten a call from an elderly woman who said a dog was killing her sheep at night. She then found a large "pitbull" had gotten trapped in her fenced garden. This property was immense, a huge estate. Linda went over and found a thin white and brindle dog, petrified beyond imagination wandering around the garden. She spent a week trying to catch this dog with her rabies pole, but Kayla was an athlete and far too quick. She came back to the shelter one day and asked me to help her bring the coyote trap over. (This was not a leg snap trap as some might imagine, but a huge hav-a-hart trap, completely humane). She put some cheeseburgers in the trap and we left for the afternoon. That night, the call came. It did not take Kayla long to get herself locked in, she was hungry. We went over and took a good look. She was thin, her skin pink with bruises and she was very, very scared, but she did not growl or make a sound when we approached. We carried the cage into the back of the ACO van and went back to the shelter. Kayla was very cooperative, running into her kennel as soon as we opened the door. She cowered in the corner and would not even look at anyone. For two weeks, she ran out to whatever part of her kennel we could be close to her. She took a fancy to the large male lab next door to her, so I sat every day outside their kennels and fed him pupperoni and tossed pieces to her. After the two weeks, she finally snuck over and grabbed one from my fingers through the fencing. We stuck to this routine for another week, then Linda finally allowed me to sit in Kayla's kennel and wait for her to come to me. I sat in her dog bed and tossed her treats for over an hour. Suddenly, in she came! She walked into the inside of the kennel and sat right in my lap and licked my face. Her large (70+lb) body of muscles melted into me and she had the most grateful appearance. Finally she had someone to trust. I can not describe how happy I was to have this dog in my lap, to trust her to lick my face and somehow know she would never hurt me. She never did. For 11 years she loved me, and I loved her. She would only go for walks with me, no matter how hard my Mom tried to get her to go for walks with her. My Kayla was the most loyal friend I could ever dream of having in my life.

I will miss her forever, but now no one will ever hurt her. She is free, but somehow I know she will always be with me when I need her.

Oh, and by the way, Kayla was not the dog killing those sheep. We later found out that a neighbor's shepherd and lab were the murderous culprits. My bull was a lover, not a fighter.

Goodbye

Kayla is better now. She doesn't have to be sad because she can not get up and run with the other dogs or chase the squirrels. She is free. Now it is time for me to heal.

Censorship

I have edited my last blog post to remove parts of it which have cause intense upset in someone's life . I will never understand why my words would have such power, but for my friend's sake, I deleted it. My two friends are not upset about my using them as examples to explain my disdain for human relationships, so although I considered deleting the entire post, I decided to keep it. What I write in my blog is not meant to be any sort of personal attack, they are MY thoughts about things and I have every right to express them. I have had people attempt to censor/stifle my thoughts and ideas, and I will not allow it. I am too old to be bullied by anyone. My blog posts, when about personal issues, never reference anyone directly. There is never a mention of names, as I am someone who respects and desires anonymity. Unless I am sharing my own personal information, I do not offer details. These are my thoughts, as I try to process what I have learned. I am sorry for those who are insulted, angered or saddened by my ideas, but I offer no apologies for my attempt to sort out my own personal thoughts. I post a blog because writing helps me to think through issues in my life and I appreciate the comments of friends and fellow bloggers. It is for me, not for anyone else's benefit.

Relationships Suck!

No, there is nothing wrong between me and my Man. I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately, not only those with lovers, but friends, family members, coworkers...human relationships in general. Humans are far more difficult than they really need to be.

I have some friends who have been going through a tough time with the men in their lives. One is married, sadly enough to a man who can not seem to decide what he wants. It is rubbing off on her. A woman who gives all of herself to the ones she loves, is lost...left questioning her own existence. She waits in limbo for him to tell her if she can be his wife or if she needs to make a life for herself, without him. She does not want to give up on them, she wants to make their marriage better. If only those we loved could see themselves through our eyes, rather than with the blinders of the human ego. I have been in this type of relationship and it is far more punishing to try to convince someone of their worth and potential. I found I ended up losing the ability to see my own worth and potential.


Another friend of mine is getting over her marriage and trying to move on. Her ex has not bothered to contact her or her son to ask how they are, he has just decided they are nothing to him. How does one move on in such a callous manner? It was time for these two to separate, but does it have to end in anger? I guess it is the only way humans can sever ties, through anger and dramatic storytelling in our own minds. My friend has tried to find love with someone with whom she is better connected, but the one man for whom she feels such intense positive emotion, is not ready. He is still carrying baggage from past pains and can not seem to let it go. This "relationship baggage" seems to plague all of us. Who can honestly say he/she carries none? Why can there not be a conveyor belt, such as those at the airport, where we can simply drop off these heavy mind burdens and watch it just disappear into a seeming abyss? Would we miss it? Possibly we would, it is part of us, defines part of our character. Would we be incomplete without it?

I try to learn from my past, take the parts which can aid me into being a better human. I am not finding this task to be an easy one, but none the less, I will continue to try. I am lucky. I found someone who is truly good to me and makes me happy. There are no guarantees in life, but I am going to continue my time with this man and hope this love will last as long as our lives.

Need Ideas

Well all, CV and I are trying to get going on the doggie daycare idea. I am sending out letters to the neighbors to see if anyone bawks at the idea, but we still need a name. Anyone have any ideas?

Here are a few tossed about;
Karmic K-9s : A happy dog leads to a happy human.
Paws At Play
Hound Haven

I am at a loss. It took me a month to name my horse, so you can imagine I am not good at naming anything. Toss some ideas my way, I would greatly appreciate it!

Had to Post It

Ames sent me this one a long time back and I had to request it again. Yummy.....

Yeah, not much to do at work today. I know I will be slammed tomorrow, so going to play today. What better to fantasize playing with but Johnny Depp, some wine and the water??

It's Five O'Clock Somewhere

I love that song. Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffet, for about four minutes, can make me travel off to a tropical island somewhere and almost smell the strawberry margarita in my hand. Ah well, a girl can dream...

My Sweetheart has a new nickname...Dr. Doolittle. No, he's not a vet....He is just an odd, intriguing and intelligent man who amazes all who know him with the strange facts he shares. This past Saturday morning, as I was finishing feeding the horses breakfast, CV called me up to the house. The brave corgi, Duncan, had discovered a LARGE snapping turtle backed up to the pool fence. Her not-so-brave sons (who are 23 and 26 I might add) were poking at it and attempting to figure out how best to move this creature without getting within 8 feet. To quote DV, "those suckers are fast." They decided to call "Dr. Doolittle" at 7am and ask him what they should do (and insinuate that he should come save his girlfriend from the jaws of a prehistoric beast). The Doc's suggestion, "leave it alone, it's a female laying eggs, she will leave when she is done." We were all dying, he says these things with complete confidence that it is true. You know what, I looked it up...he was right! He really is too much. I love my Dr. Doolittle. He declined to save us though, therefore the "men" decided to get the farm tractor, shove the turtle into the bucket and drive it down the street.....to the Doc's father's yard. Sick youngin's. :-)

I have a lesson tonight. Capall and I haven't had a lesson in over a month, due to my being sick, her being injured and our general mental states being against ring work. I rode her last night in the ring, then we went out back to hack around the bogs. She is being so good, I love that I can ride her on the buckle now and not worry about her spooking into a bog. She is still a wacky little mare, but we are back on track in the trust department. Hopefully we can show CV that we are back and ready to work.

Tired

I am beat. Three day work weeks are just as stressful, if not more than a regular work week. Nothing seemed to be easy and sadly it keeps getting worse. I have a bad feeling about my vacation. I am taking the week off for July 4th, and I fear my return will be my breaking point. The screw-ups which ensued when I took just one day off were too much, so imagine an entire week.

Not too much planned for the weekend. The barn is in a state of chaos. All the mares (including my little wacko) are in season, the boys are acting crazy and we have two new horses after tonight. CV and I are at our wits end trying to figure out who can go next to whom and which field to use. I think I have asked her to remind me about 20 times why I like horses...it's not easy sometimes to remember. Naw, I love them...just want to let them all go 20% of the time. :-)

Money is beyond tight lately. Between Kayla's meds, my horse's vet needs and various other necessities, I have found my bank account at it's lowest point since I was unemployed 7 years ago. I am hoping things will settle down soon and I can build it back up to a respectable/less fearful amount.

Ok, there is some sort of creature smashing against my window screen....going to be a rough night. Thunderstorms, large flying insects and no sweetie with whom to sleep. I had to come home, as little J-Bird is with Daddy tonight. It is best, but alas, that fact does not make leaving him any easier at night. I guess that is what stuffed animals are for, eh?

Sweet dreams to all...I hope.