This weekend is the end of 2006...and all I can say is FINALLY. I hate wanting time to rush by, as it is short enough, but this year has had more down turns than up, and I am ready to start anew. I am going to attempt to climb onto the "positive bandwagon" and stay there all of 2007. I need to make some changes, more of them in me. I need to learn that I can't help everyone and I can't feel guilty when others are unhappy. I need to learn that it isn't always my fault. I need to learn to say "no" with confidence and stick to it. I need to smile more and do more that makes me smile. I need to vacation and enjoy it. I need to find my passion again.
Here's to all of us finding what we are looking for, and for those of us who are not sure what we are looking for...here's to finally figuring it out!
Friday, December 29, 2006
Monday, December 18, 2006
All I Could Do
As I watched far too much television this weekend, I heard two quotes which I found quite inspiring. One from the Wizard of Oz, "Our hearts are not measured by how much we love, but by how much we are loved by others." The other from Rocky Balboa, "Life is not about how hard we can hit, but about how hard we can be hit and still get up and keep going."
It amazes me sometimes at what strikes me when I am watching or listening to something. As many times as I have watched The Wizard of Oz, I do not recall hearing the Wizard make that point to the Tinman. I guess right now, it means more to me than it would have in the past. I try to demonstrate my love for those around me as much as possible, yet I do not think I allow them to love me. I don't trust it, it won't last. I expect people to trust me, to believe I will not hurt them, yet do I offer the same? I don't think I do.
How hard is too hard to be hit? I think every person's opinion would differ on that topic. We all seem to think our lives are so much harder than that of others.
*************I started writing this post yesterday as I lay in bed, another sick day from work. I felt terrible, physcially and emotionally, so tired of being sick. Then, as I try to sleep and forget the pain in my head and chest, the phone rang. My Aunt called to inform my Mother and I that their Brother had passed away. At the young age of 54 years, my Uncle succumbed to his sickness. Mom did not cry, she sat silent, just looking down. I hugged her, fought back my own tears and said I was sorry for her loss. Suddenly, I would have been happy to take on the terrible headaches and coughing of this weekend, if only to take away the pain I know she was feeling. I could not though, all I could do was hug her and say I was sorry. I do not like "all I could do"...It is never enough.
It amazes me sometimes at what strikes me when I am watching or listening to something. As many times as I have watched The Wizard of Oz, I do not recall hearing the Wizard make that point to the Tinman. I guess right now, it means more to me than it would have in the past. I try to demonstrate my love for those around me as much as possible, yet I do not think I allow them to love me. I don't trust it, it won't last. I expect people to trust me, to believe I will not hurt them, yet do I offer the same? I don't think I do.
How hard is too hard to be hit? I think every person's opinion would differ on that topic. We all seem to think our lives are so much harder than that of others.
*************I started writing this post yesterday as I lay in bed, another sick day from work. I felt terrible, physcially and emotionally, so tired of being sick. Then, as I try to sleep and forget the pain in my head and chest, the phone rang. My Aunt called to inform my Mother and I that their Brother had passed away. At the young age of 54 years, my Uncle succumbed to his sickness. Mom did not cry, she sat silent, just looking down. I hugged her, fought back my own tears and said I was sorry for her loss. Suddenly, I would have been happy to take on the terrible headaches and coughing of this weekend, if only to take away the pain I know she was feeling. I could not though, all I could do was hug her and say I was sorry. I do not like "all I could do"...It is never enough.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Suffering All Around
I have been in bed sick for two days. It is very frustrating with so much to do. Christmas doesn't seem possible as time is quickly flying by. I suppose the worry isn't helping me to feel any better, but being unable to do much but lie in bed coughing and drinking as much cold medicine as my body can tolerate, leaves one with plenty of time to worry.
There has been no new news on my Uncle. Mom is frustrated. She does not agree with the thought process of the rest of the family. They are seemingly so afraid of causing him pain, that they have nearly decided to just give up and let him go. If a breathing tube will help him heal, then do it! He is too young to be "let go." Mom doesn't want to just let go, she wants to fight, she wants her brother to fight. I can not imagine how hard it is to listen to someone make the decision that it's time for her brother to die, and not ask my Mom's opinion on any of it. So he feels some pain...if he had taken care of himself to start off, he wouldn't be in this situation. I think continuing a productive life is worth some pain. I hope my Uncle can and will communicate some desire to survive.
I am tired. I want to go out, see my horses, get something accomplished. I want to stop worrying. I want to stop feeling guilty because I can not seem to help my Mom feel any better. I want my sister to stop being so selfish and consider my Mom's feelings over her own. I want to run away. I want to laugh until I cry. I want to feel the sun on my face and some sand between my toes. It's nice to want....would be even nicer to have...
There has been no new news on my Uncle. Mom is frustrated. She does not agree with the thought process of the rest of the family. They are seemingly so afraid of causing him pain, that they have nearly decided to just give up and let him go. If a breathing tube will help him heal, then do it! He is too young to be "let go." Mom doesn't want to just let go, she wants to fight, she wants her brother to fight. I can not imagine how hard it is to listen to someone make the decision that it's time for her brother to die, and not ask my Mom's opinion on any of it. So he feels some pain...if he had taken care of himself to start off, he wouldn't be in this situation. I think continuing a productive life is worth some pain. I hope my Uncle can and will communicate some desire to survive.
I am tired. I want to go out, see my horses, get something accomplished. I want to stop worrying. I want to stop feeling guilty because I can not seem to help my Mom feel any better. I want my sister to stop being so selfish and consider my Mom's feelings over her own. I want to run away. I want to laugh until I cry. I want to feel the sun on my face and some sand between my toes. It's nice to want....would be even nicer to have...
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Keep The Faith
I met with my book club the other night and we all decided that we should list some of the things for which we are grateful. I left the group all gung-ho, knowing how to start my list...I am grateful for the ladies in my bookclub, but things changed far faster than I would have liked.
My Mom had gone to the hospital to see her brother. He is not doing well. My Uncle is only in his fifties, yet there is a good chance he will not make it to his next birthday. I find myself wondering how I could enthusiastically think about and list all for which I am grateful, when so much sadness plagues my family. I have gone to write all week, and put my laptop back down, feeling I had no right. Today I realized, these are the times when it is most important to recongize what is right and good in our lives, rather than constantly be consumed by the negative. I need my positive thoughts to reflect upon the rest of my family, and hopefully if we can all hold onto our love and joy, that it will help ease the pain of these times. I look at my Mom, the utter despair in her eyes, not knowing what to say or what to do, and I would give anything to take that away. I do not know how to comfort her, I can barely comfort myself. She is strong, she keeps her composure, yet I know she hurts inside. I feel guilty even laughing, but laughter is the best medicine.....and we all need some medicine for our souls right now.
This week has been loaded with stresses. I have had to spend three days at our Corporate offices in training, for a system which will, for the first few months, make our lives miserable and our jobs nearly impossible. Christmas is in about one week, yet I have not decorated my tree, I have only purchased one gift, and no cards have been sent. I am on my second major cold in two week, I have developed one of the worst cold sores in my life and I live in fear of seeing what disasters will greet me at work tomorrow. As I think of all these complaints, I consider how selfish I am for even mentioning them, when my Uncle and his family are going through so much. Worse though, than the guilt, is the fact that I fell off the positive bandwagon. I have spent the past few days concentrating on the negative, and it has done nothing but make me feel more ill and more exhausted with each passing day.
I am going to keep the faith that my Uncle will beat this condition, that Christmas will go off with laughter and smiles and that the changes in work will only make my job more productive and more enjoyable each day. I need to smile, I need those around me to smile and I need to believe that "this too shall pass."
My Mom had gone to the hospital to see her brother. He is not doing well. My Uncle is only in his fifties, yet there is a good chance he will not make it to his next birthday. I find myself wondering how I could enthusiastically think about and list all for which I am grateful, when so much sadness plagues my family. I have gone to write all week, and put my laptop back down, feeling I had no right. Today I realized, these are the times when it is most important to recongize what is right and good in our lives, rather than constantly be consumed by the negative. I need my positive thoughts to reflect upon the rest of my family, and hopefully if we can all hold onto our love and joy, that it will help ease the pain of these times. I look at my Mom, the utter despair in her eyes, not knowing what to say or what to do, and I would give anything to take that away. I do not know how to comfort her, I can barely comfort myself. She is strong, she keeps her composure, yet I know she hurts inside. I feel guilty even laughing, but laughter is the best medicine.....and we all need some medicine for our souls right now.
This week has been loaded with stresses. I have had to spend three days at our Corporate offices in training, for a system which will, for the first few months, make our lives miserable and our jobs nearly impossible. Christmas is in about one week, yet I have not decorated my tree, I have only purchased one gift, and no cards have been sent. I am on my second major cold in two week, I have developed one of the worst cold sores in my life and I live in fear of seeing what disasters will greet me at work tomorrow. As I think of all these complaints, I consider how selfish I am for even mentioning them, when my Uncle and his family are going through so much. Worse though, than the guilt, is the fact that I fell off the positive bandwagon. I have spent the past few days concentrating on the negative, and it has done nothing but make me feel more ill and more exhausted with each passing day.
I am going to keep the faith that my Uncle will beat this condition, that Christmas will go off with laughter and smiles and that the changes in work will only make my job more productive and more enjoyable each day. I need to smile, I need those around me to smile and I need to believe that "this too shall pass."
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Back again.
I haven't written in awhile. It's not that my mind isn't reeling with thoughts..of course. I just have been trying very hard to think more positively in hopes that more positive things will come my way. I watched a movie called "The Secret" and it talks about the Law of Attraction. We are what we think. What we think about and seemingly want most, the Universe will cause to come our way. I find myself constantly thinking about what I do not want. I need to concentrate on what I DO want.
I want to get something done for Christmas! I have NOTHING done. I was going to get a tree last night, but have been sick with the flu, so the last thing I thought would help would be goofing off in the 20F night air. Instead, I made Mom some dinner and relaxed at home. I do not have too many people for whom I must find gifts, but even so, most of them will be late because I am the Queen of Procrastination.
Today should be interesting. I am up a bit earlier because I have a lot to do. CV and I are going to the movies to see "Happy Feet" and we are being accompanied by a friend of hers and his daughter. Going to the movies with a 4 year old...we shall see what that is like.
The weather has been fluxuating intensely lately, and so have my moods. Being sick is never helpful and work has been crazy busy. I had one day off for jury duty last week, was too sick to concentrate the next day, and couldn't get out of bed to go to work on Thursday. Yesterday it took all my will not to slam one of our Foreman to the ground, as he purposefully attempted to annoy the hell out of me. I can't tell if he just is an obnoxious piece of shit or he is flirting with me. Honestly, I don't care..."go home to your poor wife, you dick". Why can't people just leave me alone and let me work? More than once, some people have commented on how I just stay in my office all day. Pardon, but I am working for a living. What are you doing??
Anyway, there I go thinking of what I don't want again. I have to begin concentrating on starting a new life. The holidays will pass, hopefully my Uncle will get out of the hospital and everything will be great. Someday, I hope when people ask me how I am, and I say "great"...I will believe it.
I want to get something done for Christmas! I have NOTHING done. I was going to get a tree last night, but have been sick with the flu, so the last thing I thought would help would be goofing off in the 20F night air. Instead, I made Mom some dinner and relaxed at home. I do not have too many people for whom I must find gifts, but even so, most of them will be late because I am the Queen of Procrastination.
Today should be interesting. I am up a bit earlier because I have a lot to do. CV and I are going to the movies to see "Happy Feet" and we are being accompanied by a friend of hers and his daughter. Going to the movies with a 4 year old...we shall see what that is like.
The weather has been fluxuating intensely lately, and so have my moods. Being sick is never helpful and work has been crazy busy. I had one day off for jury duty last week, was too sick to concentrate the next day, and couldn't get out of bed to go to work on Thursday. Yesterday it took all my will not to slam one of our Foreman to the ground, as he purposefully attempted to annoy the hell out of me. I can't tell if he just is an obnoxious piece of shit or he is flirting with me. Honestly, I don't care..."go home to your poor wife, you dick". Why can't people just leave me alone and let me work? More than once, some people have commented on how I just stay in my office all day. Pardon, but I am working for a living. What are you doing??
Anyway, there I go thinking of what I don't want again. I have to begin concentrating on starting a new life. The holidays will pass, hopefully my Uncle will get out of the hospital and everything will be great. Someday, I hope when people ask me how I am, and I say "great"...I will believe it.
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