Suffering All Around

I have been in bed sick for two days. It is very frustrating with so much to do. Christmas doesn't seem possible as time is quickly flying by. I suppose the worry isn't helping me to feel any better, but being unable to do much but lie in bed coughing and drinking as much cold medicine as my body can tolerate, leaves one with plenty of time to worry.

There has been no new news on my Uncle. Mom is frustrated. She does not agree with the thought process of the rest of the family. They are seemingly so afraid of causing him pain, that they have nearly decided to just give up and let him go. If a breathing tube will help him heal, then do it! He is too young to be "let go." Mom doesn't want to just let go, she wants to fight, she wants her brother to fight. I can not imagine how hard it is to listen to someone make the decision that it's time for her brother to die, and not ask my Mom's opinion on any of it. So he feels some pain...if he had taken care of himself to start off, he wouldn't be in this situation. I think continuing a productive life is worth some pain. I hope my Uncle can and will communicate some desire to survive.

I am tired. I want to go out, see my horses, get something accomplished. I want to stop worrying. I want to stop feeling guilty because I can not seem to help my Mom feel any better. I want my sister to stop being so selfish and consider my Mom's feelings over her own. I want to run away. I want to laugh until I cry. I want to feel the sun on my face and some sand between my toes. It's nice to want....would be even nicer to have...