Home Is....

Where the heart is? Not for me. My heart is on my sleeve, following me wherever I may go. I feel more homeless than ever lately. Nothing fits quite right any longer. My sister is steadily taking over the home Mom and I have built over the past five years, and like she did when we were young, she is steadily pushing me out. Name on the mortgage or not, I am not at home. The only part of this building that makes it a place in which I want to dwell, are my dogs, and I am losing one of them. What will keep me here once they are gone? Mom and I did fine, we had a routine, we tried not to bother each other. Now the interruption is like a veil of fog, choking me daily.

The winter has taken the barn from me as an option for a place of comfort in which to reside. I can not stand the cold and find myself rushing through work that I would normally revel in during the warmer months. I have not spent much time with my horse, giving her nothing but a quick kiss and a scratch on the face. I miss her.

I have a new place to go to when I need comfort, yet as much as I enjoy every moment, it is a temporary daily residence. I have made sure nothing of mine remains, as I would never intrude on someone else's life, invited or not. No matter how much I am told to come whenever I want and that I am wanted and welcomed, that sense of intrusion remains in me. Will it pass? Hopefully in time, but until then...where am I?

As I write this post, I realize home really is "where the heart is". My home is within me, it is where I make it at that very moment. At this moment, I feel lost and alone. If I get down on the floor and hug my big yellow chow-dog, the middle of this bedroom is my home, if only until Isis gets up to be alone. When I go check on Kayla, give her a kiss and make sure I say "I love you", that couch is my home.

As I go through life, I find myself constantly searching for that place where I can hang up my coat and relax, knowing that this is my place, not to be taken away or changed about by anyone without my wanting so. Right now, I will have to settle for my heart, being with those whom I love. I think I will give Isis that hug now....I am tired and want to go Home.

Manic Times

I drove to work today singing along with Sarah Evans, trying to be happy and enjoy the good feelings that her songs brought about for me. With each smile that came to my face, a tear came as well. Do I feel guilty for having happy/positive feelings about one aspect of my life, while another part of my life is on borrowed time? I honestly do not know how to feel. My friends tell me to hold onto the good, as it will help me survive the bad times, but my mind is spinning. I feel like a ball being bounced from one end of the spectrum to the other...one minute very happy, the next utterly heartbroken and living in fear. The fact that I can not seem to allow myself to trust the happiness to last, doesn't help me allow it to erase some of the sadness. They are both absorbing my mind and soul, and I am tired. Hightened emotions can be much more exhausting than any physical exercise I could endure.

So here I sit, thinking about a love gained and a love I am about to lose. I am definitely going to need the positive to pull me through a very dark time to come.

Fluctuations

So many ups and downs lately, it's making me dizzy. My birthday was fantastic. A quiet dinner for two turned out to be a surprise party with 25 of my dear friends. I can't believe they did that for me, I was so honored and touched. We had a fantastic time, my best birthday ever! I also got the courage to tell someone how I really felt, and I am glad I did...especially because he feels the same way.

Today was a downer. Kayla is not well. The vet mentioned surgery again, but I just can not let my selfishness prevail and make my dog go through that stress so I might have her a few extra months. She looked awful when I picked her up from the hospital today, barely able to walk. It's amazing how one can forget one's own pain when a loved one is in need. My back is still a wrenched mess, but I quickly picked up my Beloved Bully and carried her to the car. She is lying on her favorite couch now, feeling pretty good...which is all I really want for her. The people at work are being understanding about my need to miss out on some work because of Kayla. Again, tomorrow I will have to go into work late. I appreciate that they can let me be during this time.

I was disappointed this weekend in someone. I am an optimist when it comes to people about whom I care. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and believe that they will do unto me as I did unto them. I was wrong, very wrong about one person...and it hurts. I believed someone who was so close to me would keep a promise. Again, I was wrong. I should not let it bother me, but it does. I hate for anyone to do things which are knowingly wrong...How must that person feel? Could such a person believe hurting someone who cared is ok? I will never understand. I believed I would hear some birthday greeting, despite all the negativity which has occurred, but I was wrong in that sense as well. It is too bad.

Despite the negativity, I have people who check on me daily, who love me dearly and who would drop anything to come to my aid. I am privileged. I would do the same for them. I guess that is what Love is all about.

Traversing the Jungle

My Bandwagon feels as though it is currently rolling through a South American Jungle at top speed. There is nothing smooth about it and I am having a hard time holding on. My back is a complete mess, even Dr. Crankinpuss couldn't fix it and I can barely walk. Kayla is getting sick from her meds and needs to be let out every half hour. My sister is moving back home this weekend and I haven't had the time, nor the physical ability to remove my computer and other belongings from the spare room. To top it all off....this is my birthday weekend. I think I should just ignore it. I had to put the cabosh on making any plans to go away with my friends. Even without my back being a mess, I do not want to leave Kayla for any length of time. I do have tentative plans for dinner and a movie...something relaxing. I think that would be nice. I have been so upset and cranky lately, having someone who can make me smile through the pain is amazing and most appreciated.

The hour drive to work is too much for me at this time. I put in for tomorrow off, still waiting to hear. I feel terrible as I was off Monday for Kayla, Wednesday for my back and need tomorrow off. I finished all my work today by noontime, so it should not be too detrimental to the team, but they seem to think the world will end if I am not sitting here waiting for them to give me work. I am really tired of the old "hurry up and wait." Tomorrow I need to rest. I have no plans for the evening, so I can just stay in my room and try to relax my back. I have to get better.....ASAP!

An Update

Kayla has cancer. The veterinarian believes she has insulinoma. It is a cancer of the pancreas, which causes an abundance of insulin to be released, therefore decreasing her blood sugar levels and leading to the fainting/weakness spells that Kayla has endured. I don’t know what to say. I am devastated. I told the Doctor….No surgery. I will not be selfish and make my friend suffer the pain of surgery so I can have her in my life a few more months. Instead, I will do my best to keep her happy and healthy as long as I possibly can. It’s not fair to have to make such decisions, but it is my duty as her friend and pack-mate. I am not her owner…she is much more than any property.

I am currently lying in bed at home. I had to leave work early, as my back is in so much pain I can barely walk. The stress of Kayla being ill and my sister moving home has finally caught up with me, and bending a total of 4 inches this morning twisted my hip at least 3 inches out of alignment. I haven’t felt this much pain in well over a year. I feel like a failure. Really great at handling stress, aren’t I? My chiro will fix it this afternoon and off I will go, back to my daily duties.

Despite all the intense pressures that have come about in my life, I had a wonderful weekend. I have someone in my life that looks at me with such caring, I am lost in those feelings. We laughed and I was able to relax, and if only for a short time, forget all the troubles of life. I am sorry that it couldn’t last, but 2 days are better than none.

So…how am I? Will I be ok? Those are the questions my friends continue to ask. I don’t know. I am sad. Yesterday…I was beyond angry. Today I am hurting too much to concentrate. Do I feel guilty for having a good weekend with someone who cares about me? Partly yes. Kayla is ill…I love her. I punished myself yesterday by letting everything anger or upset me. I lost my patience, I fueled my negative emotions. I did not know what else to do after the vet told me my dog was dying. But after that day of utter misery, I let go of my obstinence and I asked for a hug. I got one…and I felt better. Today is not better. Tomorrow…no idea. Up and down…tis life.

A Test?

I am really trying to think positive, but when my beloved dog of 10years looks up at me with fear in her eyes and falls to the ground, my hope tends to fluctuate to despair. Kayla is my baby-girl. She was caught in a coyote trap, very scared, and not trusting anyone, and after a month, finally came to trust me and only me. I will never forget the day this 70lb American Bulldog, who growled frightened at everyone, climbed onto my lap in the pound and kissed my face. From that point on, Kayla and I have been best buds. I spent six months working with her to get into a car and after a year in the dog pound, I finally took her home. She is the most kind-hearted, fun-loving dog I have ever met, and I love her with all my being. Now she is quite ill and I don't know what to do to make her better. She has these dizzy spells lately and the fear in her face cuts me to my core. Tomorrow we are going to see the vet and try to find out what is wrong. I am so frightened for her, but I will not make her suffer. I love her, I pray she can be treated and get better. No matter what the doctor says, my baby-girl will not hurt....even if I die inside.

Missing Something

For the past few days I have felt there is someone with whom I need to speak. I kept continuously going to my email, hitting compose, but nothing. I would send short, unimportant messages to various people, but could not figure out what I wanted to say. Today, the longing increased to the point of a great uncomfortability coming over me. I did not know what it was, almost thought I was getting ill. I was missing my friend.

My birthday is this month. I am an Aquarius. Nicky was also an Aquarius and he would constantly point out how we "Crazy Aquarians" had to stick together. I need to talk to Nicky. Some changes have come about recently in my life and though I have quite a few friends with whom I can confide, the particular subject is something I always was most comfortable talking over with Nick. He was honest, but made me laugh...even if he thought I was being a fool. I wonder what he would say to me now. I can not remember how many times I went over to his desk at work, or emailed him or we went out for a few drinks and talked for hours about life and how to enjoy it. Nicky knew how to enjoy life, he wanted me to do the same, and erase the worry that attaches to my every thought. I want Nicky there for my 30th birthday party. I want to hear him laugh at me when I tell him I don't know what I am so afraid of. I want to hear stories about what my lunatic friend has been up to.

I thought I was done crying for my Nicky, but I cried the entire ride home from work. He was there, he was listening. I wish I could hear him. I miss my friend and I hope he is laughing at my silliness right now.

Idle Hands Erupt

Another boring afternoon at work. Billing close is over, work is slow and I am dying to get out of here!!! So, I decided to screw around with my blog. Notice..Title change. What the hell does "Bandwagon Lanyard" mean, you ask? Well, I am determined to stay on the positive bandwagon for 2007, no more self-doubt and negative bullshit. But, knowing me, I will slip. Therefore, a lanyard (for those who have no clue) is a strap used with a safety harness, which will symbolically let me flop off the ole bandwagon, yet still dangle and be able to climb right back on, hopefully without hitting the ground at full force. This blog will be my lanyard, helping to keep my on board, while letting me toss around the ideas that plague or rejuvinate me. I know, odd...but that's me.

So, as I don't have anything important to say, I figured I would mention something that struck me funny last night. I was watching tv with a friend and as I am practically falling asleep, an info-mercial for Sexually transmitted diseases comes on the television. All I could think was, "great thought to fall asleep with floating in my head." Well, immediately following that piece of late night information, a commercial for a jewelry store and specifically Valentine's Day comes on. Who does that? Do the people who plan the schedules even think about the order in which the advertisements fall? Did they do that on purpose? Sick sense of humor perhaps? I don't know, just found it odd....amusing, yet odd. Commercial #1: Abstinance is best...you never know if your partner might not be aware of a "condition". Commercial #2: Love it up and spend big money on each other, sure way to get laid. Hmm, now that I think about it, I would have had the Valentine's commercial before the STD info-ad....hard to grasp the thought of Valentine's day after hearing the gory details of "outbreaks" and such. Just a thought.....

To Be or Not to Be..............Me

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." - Unknown.

2007 is going to bring some much needed change, but I am nervous. I know, I am always nervous...What else is new? I would like my worry and lack of confidence in my decisions to be part of the change. I have some new people in my life, I would like them to know me, not what I can pretend to be. Is it safe? I ask myself..."who am I?" I could say, I am me..but what makes up "me". The scientist in me says millions of tiny energy particles, atoms, are what make me. This statement is true, but what does it really say? I am part of everything...again, not saying much. I am a soon-to-be 30 year old female...nothing special there. So, what about me is hard to grasp?

Some would say I am quiet and shy, some would say I am extremely friendly and social. Some would say I am cranky and don't know how to have fun, some would say I am a riot and make everyone laugh. I am smart, I am an air-head. I am cute, I am "frumpy" (to quote my sister). I am reliable and hard-working, I am completely scatterbrained and senile. I am sexy, I am a total dork. I am confident and willing to take risks, I am consumed by fear.

All those statements are true. It depends on the time of day, the time of year, my current location, the company I have. With all that said, who am I? I am a reflection of those whom I contact and how that person makes me feel. I am part of everything, yet feel a connection with nothing at times.

I am confused, yet very willing to learn. I have time....energy is forever.

Judgemental?

I have a question. Is it possible to judge something about someone, like that person's actions or maybe choice of apparel, without judging the person him/herself? I think so. I may not like something one does or may think one is dressed in a ridiculous outfit, but I do not form an opinion from that one thing about the individual. I think when I say something about someone, others think I am judgemental. I have learned over time, that people are far too complex to judge on one aspect alone. Many would think I am nuts for something I might say or do, but see me in another situation and not come to the same conclusion.

I do not think I am judgemental. I think I have opinions, which readily change if more substantial evidence is brought to my attention. Maybe the question should really be....Is having an opinion about something make one judgemental? So many people have formed opinions about me in the past, just from one aspect of myself they did observed, but they lost out on knowing the rest. I find myself either adhering to their opinions and showing that person just that side of me, or not allowing them to know anything of me at all. Am I judging them to be unworthy? Maybe, but I think I should have the choice on who knows me and who does not.

If I wear a low cut shirt and tight jeans out to a bar, am I a slut? No. If I comment that a woman is wearing "a totally slutty" outfit, am I calling her a slut? No, just find her choice of apparel amusing and wonder what she might be looking for. It seems that with one statement, anyone in earshot who disagrees with me assumes I am judging the woman. I am not. I think that people who know me, would either know what I mean, or take the time to ask. Maybe I am wrong...I do that a lot too.

Happy New Year All!!

The end of 2006 brought a bit of a suprise and some (cautious) optimism my way. I am going to go with it....Might be fun.

I hope everyone had a fantastic New Year!!