I drove to work today singing along with Sarah Evans, trying to be happy and enjoy the good feelings that her songs brought about for me. With each smile that came to my face, a tear came as well. Do I feel guilty for having happy/positive feelings about one aspect of my life, while another part of my life is on borrowed time? I honestly do not know how to feel. My friends tell me to hold onto the good, as it will help me survive the bad times, but my mind is spinning. I feel like a ball being bounced from one end of the spectrum to the other...one minute very happy, the next utterly heartbroken and living in fear. The fact that I can not seem to allow myself to trust the happiness to last, doesn't help me allow it to erase some of the sadness. They are both absorbing my mind and soul, and I am tired. Hightened emotions can be much more exhausting than any physical exercise I could endure.
So here I sit, thinking about a love gained and a love I am about to lose. I am definitely going to need the positive to pull me through a very dark time to come.
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