Where the heart is? Not for me. My heart is on my sleeve, following me wherever I may go. I feel more homeless than ever lately. Nothing fits quite right any longer. My sister is steadily taking over the home Mom and I have built over the past five years, and like she did when we were young, she is steadily pushing me out. Name on the mortgage or not, I am not at home. The only part of this building that makes it a place in which I want to dwell, are my dogs, and I am losing one of them. What will keep me here once they are gone? Mom and I did fine, we had a routine, we tried not to bother each other. Now the interruption is like a veil of fog, choking me daily.
The winter has taken the barn from me as an option for a place of comfort in which to reside. I can not stand the cold and find myself rushing through work that I would normally revel in during the warmer months. I have not spent much time with my horse, giving her nothing but a quick kiss and a scratch on the face. I miss her.
I have a new place to go to when I need comfort, yet as much as I enjoy every moment, it is a temporary daily residence. I have made sure nothing of mine remains, as I would never intrude on someone else's life, invited or not. No matter how much I am told to come whenever I want and that I am wanted and welcomed, that sense of intrusion remains in me. Will it pass? Hopefully in time, but until then...where am I?
As I write this post, I realize home really is "where the heart is". My home is within me, it is where I make it at that very moment. At this moment, I feel lost and alone. If I get down on the floor and hug my big yellow chow-dog, the middle of this bedroom is my home, if only until Isis gets up to be alone. When I go check on Kayla, give her a kiss and make sure I say "I love you", that couch is my home.
As I go through life, I find myself constantly searching for that place where I can hang up my coat and relax, knowing that this is my place, not to be taken away or changed about by anyone without my wanting so. Right now, I will have to settle for my heart, being with those whom I love. I think I will give Isis that hug now....I am tired and want to go Home.
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This is my place to express my thoughts and desires, trying to keep my dreams alive. I want to learn something new every day and hopefully keep an open-mind with each new idea.
1 comment:
With your home being intruded on it makes sense why you would feel like the intruder on someone else's home. Keep in mind that you and your sister are very different people and I'm sure no one would feel like you are pushing them out the door because you decide to leave a toothbrush there. Personal items can be a comfort to someone else when you aren't around. Think of it in the positive.
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