An Update

Kayla has cancer. The veterinarian believes she has insulinoma. It is a cancer of the pancreas, which causes an abundance of insulin to be released, therefore decreasing her blood sugar levels and leading to the fainting/weakness spells that Kayla has endured. I don’t know what to say. I am devastated. I told the Doctor….No surgery. I will not be selfish and make my friend suffer the pain of surgery so I can have her in my life a few more months. Instead, I will do my best to keep her happy and healthy as long as I possibly can. It’s not fair to have to make such decisions, but it is my duty as her friend and pack-mate. I am not her owner…she is much more than any property.

I am currently lying in bed at home. I had to leave work early, as my back is in so much pain I can barely walk. The stress of Kayla being ill and my sister moving home has finally caught up with me, and bending a total of 4 inches this morning twisted my hip at least 3 inches out of alignment. I haven’t felt this much pain in well over a year. I feel like a failure. Really great at handling stress, aren’t I? My chiro will fix it this afternoon and off I will go, back to my daily duties.

Despite all the intense pressures that have come about in my life, I had a wonderful weekend. I have someone in my life that looks at me with such caring, I am lost in those feelings. We laughed and I was able to relax, and if only for a short time, forget all the troubles of life. I am sorry that it couldn’t last, but 2 days are better than none.

So…how am I? Will I be ok? Those are the questions my friends continue to ask. I don’t know. I am sad. Yesterday…I was beyond angry. Today I am hurting too much to concentrate. Do I feel guilty for having a good weekend with someone who cares about me? Partly yes. Kayla is ill…I love her. I punished myself yesterday by letting everything anger or upset me. I lost my patience, I fueled my negative emotions. I did not know what else to do after the vet told me my dog was dying. But after that day of utter misery, I let go of my obstinence and I asked for a hug. I got one…and I felt better. Today is not better. Tomorrow…no idea. Up and down…tis life.