New Year Needed

This weekend is the end of 2006...and all I can say is FINALLY. I hate wanting time to rush by, as it is short enough, but this year has had more down turns than up, and I am ready to start anew. I am going to attempt to climb onto the "positive bandwagon" and stay there all of 2007. I need to make some changes, more of them in me. I need to learn that I can't help everyone and I can't feel guilty when others are unhappy. I need to learn that it isn't always my fault. I need to learn to say "no" with confidence and stick to it. I need to smile more and do more that makes me smile. I need to vacation and enjoy it. I need to find my passion again.

Here's to all of us finding what we are looking for, and for those of us who are not sure what we are looking for...here's to finally figuring it out!

All I Could Do

As I watched far too much television this weekend, I heard two quotes which I found quite inspiring. One from the Wizard of Oz, "Our hearts are not measured by how much we love, but by how much we are loved by others." The other from Rocky Balboa, "Life is not about how hard we can hit, but about how hard we can be hit and still get up and keep going."

It amazes me sometimes at what strikes me when I am watching or listening to something. As many times as I have watched The Wizard of Oz, I do not recall hearing the Wizard make that point to the Tinman. I guess right now, it means more to me than it would have in the past. I try to demonstrate my love for those around me as much as possible, yet I do not think I allow them to love me. I don't trust it, it won't last. I expect people to trust me, to believe I will not hurt them, yet do I offer the same? I don't think I do.

How hard is too hard to be hit? I think every person's opinion would differ on that topic. We all seem to think our lives are so much harder than that of others.




*************I started writing this post yesterday as I lay in bed, another sick day from work. I felt terrible, physcially and emotionally, so tired of being sick. Then, as I try to sleep and forget the pain in my head and chest, the phone rang. My Aunt called to inform my Mother and I that their Brother had passed away. At the young age of 54 years, my Uncle succumbed to his sickness. Mom did not cry, she sat silent, just looking down. I hugged her, fought back my own tears and said I was sorry for her loss. Suddenly, I would have been happy to take on the terrible headaches and coughing of this weekend, if only to take away the pain I know she was feeling. I could not though, all I could do was hug her and say I was sorry. I do not like "all I could do"...It is never enough.

Suffering All Around

I have been in bed sick for two days. It is very frustrating with so much to do. Christmas doesn't seem possible as time is quickly flying by. I suppose the worry isn't helping me to feel any better, but being unable to do much but lie in bed coughing and drinking as much cold medicine as my body can tolerate, leaves one with plenty of time to worry.

There has been no new news on my Uncle. Mom is frustrated. She does not agree with the thought process of the rest of the family. They are seemingly so afraid of causing him pain, that they have nearly decided to just give up and let him go. If a breathing tube will help him heal, then do it! He is too young to be "let go." Mom doesn't want to just let go, she wants to fight, she wants her brother to fight. I can not imagine how hard it is to listen to someone make the decision that it's time for her brother to die, and not ask my Mom's opinion on any of it. So he feels some pain...if he had taken care of himself to start off, he wouldn't be in this situation. I think continuing a productive life is worth some pain. I hope my Uncle can and will communicate some desire to survive.

I am tired. I want to go out, see my horses, get something accomplished. I want to stop worrying. I want to stop feeling guilty because I can not seem to help my Mom feel any better. I want my sister to stop being so selfish and consider my Mom's feelings over her own. I want to run away. I want to laugh until I cry. I want to feel the sun on my face and some sand between my toes. It's nice to want....would be even nicer to have...

Keep The Faith

I met with my book club the other night and we all decided that we should list some of the things for which we are grateful. I left the group all gung-ho, knowing how to start my list...I am grateful for the ladies in my bookclub, but things changed far faster than I would have liked.

My Mom had gone to the hospital to see her brother. He is not doing well. My Uncle is only in his fifties, yet there is a good chance he will not make it to his next birthday. I find myself wondering how I could enthusiastically think about and list all for which I am grateful, when so much sadness plagues my family. I have gone to write all week, and put my laptop back down, feeling I had no right. Today I realized, these are the times when it is most important to recongize what is right and good in our lives, rather than constantly be consumed by the negative. I need my positive thoughts to reflect upon the rest of my family, and hopefully if we can all hold onto our love and joy, that it will help ease the pain of these times. I look at my Mom, the utter despair in her eyes, not knowing what to say or what to do, and I would give anything to take that away. I do not know how to comfort her, I can barely comfort myself. She is strong, she keeps her composure, yet I know she hurts inside. I feel guilty even laughing, but laughter is the best medicine.....and we all need some medicine for our souls right now.

This week has been loaded with stresses. I have had to spend three days at our Corporate offices in training, for a system which will, for the first few months, make our lives miserable and our jobs nearly impossible. Christmas is in about one week, yet I have not decorated my tree, I have only purchased one gift, and no cards have been sent. I am on my second major cold in two week, I have developed one of the worst cold sores in my life and I live in fear of seeing what disasters will greet me at work tomorrow. As I think of all these complaints, I consider how selfish I am for even mentioning them, when my Uncle and his family are going through so much. Worse though, than the guilt, is the fact that I fell off the positive bandwagon. I have spent the past few days concentrating on the negative, and it has done nothing but make me feel more ill and more exhausted with each passing day.

I am going to keep the faith that my Uncle will beat this condition, that Christmas will go off with laughter and smiles and that the changes in work will only make my job more productive and more enjoyable each day. I need to smile, I need those around me to smile and I need to believe that "this too shall pass."

Back again.

I haven't written in awhile. It's not that my mind isn't reeling with thoughts..of course. I just have been trying very hard to think more positively in hopes that more positive things will come my way. I watched a movie called "The Secret" and it talks about the Law of Attraction. We are what we think. What we think about and seemingly want most, the Universe will cause to come our way. I find myself constantly thinking about what I do not want. I need to concentrate on what I DO want.

I want to get something done for Christmas! I have NOTHING done. I was going to get a tree last night, but have been sick with the flu, so the last thing I thought would help would be goofing off in the 20F night air. Instead, I made Mom some dinner and relaxed at home. I do not have too many people for whom I must find gifts, but even so, most of them will be late because I am the Queen of Procrastination.

Today should be interesting. I am up a bit earlier because I have a lot to do. CV and I are going to the movies to see "Happy Feet" and we are being accompanied by a friend of hers and his daughter. Going to the movies with a 4 year old...we shall see what that is like.

The weather has been fluxuating intensely lately, and so have my moods. Being sick is never helpful and work has been crazy busy. I had one day off for jury duty last week, was too sick to concentrate the next day, and couldn't get out of bed to go to work on Thursday. Yesterday it took all my will not to slam one of our Foreman to the ground, as he purposefully attempted to annoy the hell out of me. I can't tell if he just is an obnoxious piece of shit or he is flirting with me. Honestly, I don't care..."go home to your poor wife, you dick". Why can't people just leave me alone and let me work? More than once, some people have commented on how I just stay in my office all day. Pardon, but I am working for a living. What are you doing??

Anyway, there I go thinking of what I don't want again. I have to begin concentrating on starting a new life. The holidays will pass, hopefully my Uncle will get out of the hospital and everything will be great. Someday, I hope when people ask me how I am, and I say "great"...I will believe it.

Just Be Quiet

I did it again....opened my big mouth and inserted my even bigger foot. I have been doing it a lot lately. I just need to shut my trap and not say anything. I realize that getting to know someone takes time, and with time one learns where the boundaries are for some people. In the meantime, I need to learn to watch what I say....especially when I have been warned about the sensitivity of some people.

I feel terrible. I did not try to hurt my friend's feelings, but I should have kept information to myself that was hurtful. I just did not realize that what another person said would matter at all. It was not my place to open my mouth, but we were laughing and joking and I did not know. Now I know....I just hope it is not too late.

I'm Sorry.....WHAT?

Ok. I need some opinions on this one. A comment was made to me via email from someone with whom I converse often at work, but have never met in person.

I was talking about how I sat with my friend's dogs on Thanksgiving, attempting to convince them to go out and pee despite the windswept rainstorm outside. The response to my statement shocked me...

"Well, encouraging bodily needs seems to be your calling."

To which I responsed, "Umm, not sure how to take that."

"You tend to the most basic of people's needs."

Now, am I the only one who feels like I was being called a whore or something? Is that comment not odd?? WTH?!

I was told it was a compliment. Umm, Ok....




*Side Note: In case anyone is worried I was really hurt, I honestly laughed when I read the email..just thought how goddam odd. This proceeded an attempt by me to explain to this person how sometimes we need to reread or think before speaking...see if it's something that may get us smacked. He disagrees...ah well, luckily it takes more to offend me these days. :)

Way Too Short

My four day weekend is nearly over. Time goes by way too fast. It's been a pretty good four days. Thanksgiving Day, I spent a lot of time laughing at my sister. She is such a drama queen, even my Mother started to chuckle....Though she did tell me to stop being so mean afterward. LOL. She also had a wee fit after I made a comment about wanting a boob job. "How could this happen, how could I, of all people, raise the anti-feminist??? Gloria Steinen would be so disappointed." Yes, Mom was not happy. I wonder...is she more upset that I could be the anti-feminist than if I was the anti-christ? Honestly, I think she would be. It's not like I said I wanted double D's or anything, a nice C cup would work for me...save me so much money at Victoria's Secret. Haa. It came about because my sister made some comment about wanting to spend thousands on laser surgery to remove her acne scars. Well, if she can do that, why can't I enhance my appearance my own way? LOL. I just said it to get a rise out of the fam...it worked. I even heard my brother chuckling from the other room.

I got to see some friends yesterday for a brunch party. I haven't seen them in so long, it was a good time. Ames is a damn hoot, she kills me with her stories. My little worry wart pal D was the hostess with the mostess yesterday, but I would have liked her to eat some of that delicious food she made and relax. She's too great though. I love my gals.

So, it's Sunday. I have to get one more good ride in with my horse, try to get the dogs out for a walk and wipe the shit-eaten grin off my face. Why the grin? Two steps forward with someone this morning....I love progress.

Complaints

I have a few at the moment.

Complaint #1: My computer prompted me to download and install Internet Explorer 7.0, which has seemed to overtake my web browser and made everything freaky. I am now afraid to remove it, for fear of losing my Internet Explorer all together. Goddam computers!

Complaint #2: My mother asked me to go to the store and get some beer and wine for tomorrow. Why my lazy brother and moronic sister could not bring their own is beyond me, but that's another 5000 word blog for another day. I purchased what she requested....but did I hear "thank you so much". No, I heard complaints about how much it cost and was rudely questioned on the lime I had sitting on top of the Corona box. "I have never seen your brother drink a beer with lime in it. Oh great, now he won't drink it." If that dumb fuck doesn't want Corona because of a lime, then he needs to shove his head up his ass and get out of my house.

Complaint #3: Rain tomorrow. I planned on a rather lengthy trail ride with my horse to avoid the family. Now I will have to simply hide out in the rain. Pneumonia is preferable to those fools.

There are more, believe me, but I have to take a shower and head back out to walk a friend's dogs. I think I hear my bed calling to me.....I can't wait to answer.

A Slow Day Should Be A Snow Day

Why am I here? There is no work because of the holiday, half my office is off and yet here I sit...wondering how I will spend the next 6 hours. I need to go to the store for Thanksgiving supplies, I need to get gas in my car, I have horses to feed, I don't have time to sit and wonder. I am also in serious need of a coffee. I was a tad bit (ok twenty minutes) late this morning, so I could not stop for gas or coffee. Due to my tardiness, I also got the "pleasure" of seeing all the carnivorous dopes standing in line at the live turkey farm this morning, waiting for it to open, so they could choose the live bird which would be butchered, plucked and disemboweled for dinner tomorrow.

What didn't I need this morning? How about the call from my boss, which began with him asking my name (as I didn't know it was him at first). It bugs him that I do not answer the phone stating my name along with the company name. I am sorry, but the people that call here don't give a shit who I am and if they do, they can politely ask who I am....though I will say it annoys me when they do. "None of your damn business, what do you want?" Don't get me wrong, I am extremely polite to all the morons that call here asking stupid questions or who ramble on for five minutes telling me why they want to talk to one of the specialists. Meanwhile, all I want is your name, phone number and company name...otherwise, shut up and pray someone actually returns your call. There are also those fun calls from vendors who have been waiting six months for our company to send them a payment of $800 or so. We don't pay them, customers don't pay us. It's a vicious, corporate circle. I do feel badly for the small companies that rely on each and every payment to come in a timely manner, but there is not much I can do. I give them the number for corporate and wish them luck. "Oh My, we have not paid an invoice from a year ago? That is crazy....I am sure they will be able to help you out in our corporate office." What a goddam liar! Corporate will just tell them to call back here...another vicious circle.

To top off this utterly wasted day, the only station my crap-ass radio can get clearly is only playing Christmas Music today. "Feliz Navidad"...blah blah blah. Are you kidding me? We haven't even gotten Thanksgiving over and done with and you want to wish me a Merry Christmas? Stuff it! (No turkey pun intended.)

Wake Up Wake Up Wake Up

I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open. I did not sleep more than an hour last night, tossing and turning, then wide awake, sitting up at 3:15am. Work is quiet, so I figured I would just write to keep my attention. I am technically supposed to be on a conference call, but seeing as I am about as interested in PO Change orders as my steak-loving boss is in eating tofu, I decided it would not help me stay alert.

I feel terrible today. Mother Nature is again punishing me for not getting knocked-up, so I am having cramping pains throughout my entire body. I contemplated staying home today as I rolled around on the floor this morning, moaning, but I toughed it out (ten Ibuprofen and and one allergy pill later). I am glad this is a short week at work, but Carol is away, so I am in charge of both the barn and her dogs all week. Her little Corgi, Duncan, has never gone more than a night without her, so this week ought to be quite interesting. I figure once or twice I will take him for a ride on her golf cart so he can bark himself into exhaustion as we cruise around the farm. (Mental Note: purchase more Ibuprofen and large amounts of migraine headache tylenol).

I can't say I am too excited at the prospect of Thanksgiving. We are staying home this year, so dinner will include my Mother, Brother, Sister and I. I figure I will make up some unappetizing concoction, grab some of my Mom's dry turkey and give the farm dogs a less than fantastic, but relaxed Thanksgiving. A holiday to remember starring Me, Carson (the ultra-stinky Golden Retriever), Duncan (the annoying, loud Corgi) and 10 horses. Who's bringing the wine?

Practical Intuition

I have finally begun reading the next book for my book club. Better late than never, I guess. I am only at the very beginning...but it has me wondering. What does it mean when I follow my "gut" or intuition, yet it makes me very sad? I guess I just have to go with it and see where it takes me.

A Surreal Life

The weekend has gone pretty well. Friday night I saw a friend I haven't seen in many months. I always have fun with her, she is a great, encouraging, kind person. She told me a story about her summer that was so damn hot I nearly had to run home and take a cold shower....Latin men...ooo laa laa. LOL

Last night I went out with my cousin. D and I do not see each other very often. She is a busy mother of three and I am just doing my thing, which regrettably doesn't include visiting my family. When I was young, I so wanted to be like D. She was beautiful, smart, had a horse and seemed to have so much fun. She is 12 years older than I am, so I could not expect her to want to hang out with her little cousin. Now, as adults, the age difference does not seem to matter. We can talk about anything, laugh about life and be friends. I am glad to be friends with both my older cousins. They are great ladies and I know that whenever I need them, I can pick up the phone or get into my car and have a good friend by my side. I need to see them more often. Time goes by so quickly, and it is far too easy to turn around and wonder what I have been doing, what was more important than seeing those I love. Nothing.

I have been craving to go out and take some photos lately. Of course, now that I am constantly seeing things I don't want to forget, I do not have any batteries for my camera. I need to get to the store and pick some up, but again..time seems to fly by and I never make it. Yesterday I was out in the cranberry bogs riding my horse and from the top of a hill we could see all the deep red bogs, so beautiful. I would have like to have gotten a picture of that scene. It seems even Capall stops at the top of that hill, takes a deep breath and just looks out at the beauty below. Those pauses in life are the times I most treasure, the times when I can stop and be amazed by Nature and appreciate the amazing life around me. Those times need to occur more often, I need to slow down and smile.

Starting Anew

I am working on a new blog site. I am ready for some changes...necessary changes. I figure my mental/emotional outlet of writing is a damn good place to start. I call it Cauldron of Hope because I would like to brew up some hope in myself and my friends by striving for the positive. My life has become so negative in the past couple years, it needs to stop. Cairde is Gaelic for "friends". I love my friends, so I figured that word was as good as any for me. We shall see how everything goes...