A Contented New Year

It's the end of 2007. Looking back, I can not believe how much has changed in my life. Some good things, some bad things. I am glad it is over, time to look forward and grow with the changes which have come about. If someone had told me what would have taken place, I certainly would not have put money on it, but it is ok..I made it.

I now have a lot to do. I need to get going with the work on the Kennel. Carol is working on the permits, but we need a name, we need a plan and I need to figure out how much I need to earn each week in order to make ends meet. I know it will be tight at first, but I always succeed somehow. My Guy wants me to get a new car. He hates the Matrix and is right, it is terrible in the snow...to the point of dangerous and probably wasn't a smart purchase at the time. I needed to research it more, but no point to looking at the "woulda/coulda/shouldas". The trouble is, money is really tight, I still have not come back from the money I spent keeping Vaquita alive and this past Christmas put me back more than it should have. Money I was hoping for is not coming, I have accepted that. I just need to be a bit more careful and thrifty.

My damn computer has decided to act up again. Last year I lost everything when my hard drive crashed. I was pissed, I lost a lot of important pictures and files. I can not believe it is happening again, after I bought a pretty damn good drive. There must be something wrong with a component of this computer that causes this problem, so I am done with it. I have backed up my important files and once it goes on me again, I will gladly trash it and buy something new. My Mom is willing to loan me the money to buy a good gaming computer, as I am still silly enough to play my online computer game, so I can't just buy anything. I also have some friends who will help me choose the right machine, as I whole-heartedly admit to knowing nothing of gaming systems. As much as I live on computers for the majority of my day, I really HATE them most of the time. :-)

As for First Night, I am not sure what is up. I was hoping for a quiet dinner with my Guy, like we had last year, but we might be heading to his brother's house for a little shindig. We'll see what happens. I am sure he will be bummed out because it did not snow at all last night, so there's a good $5000 of expected money that will not be coming in this storm. Ah well, I have a feeling there will be plenty of snow for him to play in and squeeze cash out of.

It's Over

Well, after all the worry, excessive money spent and running around..Christmas is over. It went very well. Christmas Eve, we headed to a friends for a few drinks and some good laughs, then My Guy and I brought some Thai to my Mom and we enjoyed a relaxing dinner.

Christmas morning I had to stay out of the bedroom, since my Guy didn't finish wrapping yet, but I gave the dogs their gifts and made him some breakfast. One can't be wrapping on an empty stomach. I got the COOLEST GIFTS EVER!! His brother was making fun of him for the "not so romatic gifts", but I couldn't have been happier. I got an Ipod, gift cert to Victoria's Secret (more for him I wager), a REALLY nice pair of winter boots, a full pair of coveralls to keep me warm at the barn, a few cute stocking stuffers...and....and....A KAYAK!!!!!!!! My very own Kayak!!! I am soo excited. I have wanted one for years, but never had the money to get one nor the means to transport it. I was so excited, I wanted to put it into the hot tub or flood the back yard...both ideas got the cabosh. Hee hee. So this summer, while everyone is flying around in the boats and tubing/water-skiing, I will happily paddle around the lake. Of course, they are planning on tipping me, but I will prevail!! :-) I can't wait!!!

My Mom got me my new exercise bike, which I LOVE. I am so going to be ready for the summer!!

Did I mention I got a KAYAK???!!! hee hee

Well, back to work today. Hopefully it will be a slow week, but even if it isn't, I have 436 songs on my ipod to rock on to and room for nearly 1600 more. Yipppee.

Nervous Breakdown Anyone??

I think I am a wee bit stressed out! Is it the holidays? Maybe. Is it work? Surprisingly not. Is it life in general? Sadly, yes.

I need a goddam vacation! At the rate I am going, my Guy will boot my ass out and change the locks before I can say "but it's Christmas".

I arrived home yesterday to find that the pup had shit in her crate and painted the entire thing in feces. After having a fit, spending an hour and 2 rolls of paper towels trying to clean it, I dragged the crate into the tub to try to rinse it. My Guy was not happy with my not asking for help and hurting my back lugging the damn thing around. The pup then needed a bath, which she has learned to stand still for, or be screamed at.

So, despite the fact that I was stubborn and rude during this whole process and he is annoyed by his $65,000 Bobcat being broken, my kind-hearted boyfriend came with me to the barn to help. He listened to my rant about stupid people filling water buckets to the brim even though the water is so dirty, one can not see the bottom. He cleaned the bucket for me and what did I do? I started cleaning the stall and threw the manure into the newly cleaned water bucket, instead of the wheelbarrow. I then proceeded to have a breakdown, laughing and crying at the same time and whining about losing my goddam mind. He joked it off, cleaned the bucket again and asked me to try tossing it into the big blue wheelbarrow, not the little blue bucket.

I wonder if he will visit me in the padded cell.

That Time of Year

Christmas is fast approaching and once again, I am not ready for it. I have the two major gifts done, which is a huge weight off my shoulders. My Mom is all set and so is my Guy. I have not finished getting the little things or anything for all my friends. I haven't even mailed the damn Christmas cards. Oh well, I get myself into the same predicament every year and the world never ends.

This winter is going to be a doozy. We have already had two bigger storms and I have come to the realization that my car is a piece of shit in the snow, even with new tires. I am NEVER driving in the snow again. I had a terrible time and was petrified. It is time to rethink my ownership of this automobile. The trouble is, what I want/need, cost more money than I think I can spend and money is tight right now. I am going to keep my eyes open, pinch the pennies and crunch the numbers. It will work out. I have a guy in my life who is really smart about vehicle purchases and can wheel and deal with the best of them. He will make sure I am safe and happy.

I am so excited! My Mom got me an exercise bike for Christmas. I did a ton of research, and due to my back problems, a good choice is a recumbent exercise bike. I can not wait for it to arrive!! I have been working hard at sticking to the high protein/low fat diet, stretching and ab-work. Adding the bike to my regimen should really help me get fit and diminish my back pain/weakness greatly. This is going to be a promising/positive New Year...I am determined to make it so!

First Snow!

Well, the Speckled Wonder experienced her first snowfall. It wasn't much, but enough to get her all riled up. First she attempted to catch snowflakes out of the air, then ate some off the road. While Jade, Jasmine and I watched in awe, Vaquita ran up and down the street, perfecting her snow slide. She was having a blast, while the 3 of us "old gals" froze our butts off. Ah..to be a Puppy!

My Honey's Birthday went ok. I should have listened to my Mother and opened the gift I ordered through the mail...because it was broken. I felt terrible as we had to repack it after he opened it. He did love the engraved picture frame with the pic of him and J-bird. He said it was the best gift anyone has ever given him, and he is not one to bullshit, so I was honored. Dinner was good and he LOVED the cake from Coldstone Creamery....chocolate chip cookie dough! Overall, my Guy was happy and therefore I was happy. :-)

Needing a Lounge Chair, a Margarita and an Empty Beach!

I love my Guy, but he's a real pain in my ass! I have the gifts, I have the card, I will have the cake...but damned if I can't think of where to take him to dinner. Will he help? Nope, "surprise me" he says. Thanks a lot Babe! Italian is out and I don't want to go to one of our normal hangouts. I have been asking around for advice, but I am not sure. I guess I will just wait, maybe he will have a "hankering" for something in particular. Men!

The Speckled Wonder is in rare form these days. In the past three days, she has painted her crate and herself with shit, crapped twice on the kitchen floor and ensighted a riot in which the two ADULT labs decided to shit on the floor as well and then play in it. After spending 20 mins cleaning up dog shit, and having Jade run away two days in a row, I was ready to call American Airlines and get all three of them one-way tickets to Puerto Rico. Vaquita can be the tour guide. Damn dogs. Last night Vaquita decided to bark from 1am to 4am, when I finally got up and let her out. This dog was sent to me for a reason....to help me to gain extreme patience. Even Saints have murderous thoughts sometimes though! No...I would never hurt her...but she is pushing my nerves.

I can not believe Christmas is coming! Money is pretty damn tight these days. I am not quite sure where it all went. Well, I suppose the tires for my car, hay for the horses, winter shoes for the horse, Thanksgiving...it all adds up. I need to figure out how to pinch the pennies in some aspects, and allow myself to get some gifts for my loved ones. It's not going to be easy...though, is it ever? Maybe someone will give me a week long vacation on a tropical island for Christmas.....Well, a girl has to dream, doesn't she?

A Manic Monday

Holiday #1 of the "holiday season" is now behind us...thank goodness. I am not saying it went badly, but it was just one more thing to deal with, at a time when it seems too much is going on. The actual day didn't go too badly, except that I forgot to make the green bean casserole. The guys were picking on me, though they admitted there was already far too much food and it would just have been more wasted leftovers. I had enough on my mind, worry about the horses in freakish 60F weather. They were all feeling punky, but luckily no one got sick.

I had a chiropractor appointment on Friday, and foolishly figured I could run a couple errands beforehand. I went over to Petco for some dog food and was nearly run over 4 times in the parking lot. People were nuts. I then attempted to buy a filing cabinet for the house, but of course, none in stock of the type and color I wanted. My appointment with the chiro was fun as usual. He asked me how I mess myself up so badly, if I work at it, or it comes naturally. Smartass! Fix it and shut up, I say! He told me I need to stretch. I suck at stretching, but I was the good little patient and went out and bought the book he suggested. I am going to try to stretch myself into a chiro-free life.

I met up with a couple friends yesterday for lunch. It was so good to see them. We gals have not gotten together in far too long, I miss them terribly. I get so busy with work, the dogs and the horses, I forget to take some time for palling around. I spent the rest of the afternoon getting a gift for my Guy. Friday is his b-day. I think I did well. I am pretty sure he will really like one of the gifts. The other gift, he will probably tell me is too much, but I wanted to get him something he would not buy himself. I think it will be an interesting day. I told him I was taking Friday off to follow him around at work and hang balloons on each piece of equipment he uses on the job. Balloons on the excavator, more balloons on the bulldozer, and even more balloons all over his own truck. Haaa. I got the ole' Roll of the Eyes on that one. He knows I am kidding. I am taking the day off though, I do need to do some annoying decorating for his birthday. :-)

Happy Monday...NOT! It started off with the two idiot labs taking off in the rain this morning. Lucky for them, my Vaquita comes when I call her. I felt awful losing the dogs, but my Guy said "fuck em," they can stay in the rain. He did go home later to check and found them in their doghouse in the kennel. Jerks, making me worry. They are now spending the day outside and I am not letting them out anymore. They will have to wait until their Father gets out of bed and lets them out. To top off the stomach ache I had from worrying about Dumb and Dumber running the streets all morning, my Mom calls in tears. She locked her keys in her running car. There wasn't much I could do from work, so I could only make suggestions. What a mess...last I heard, she was waiting on someone from Ford Service to come down and help her. They give free roadside assistance on new vehicles. Phew, lucky for that!

Anyway, the week has to get better. CV is back from her vacation, so I have back up at the Farm. It's only a four day work week for me, which always makes things brighter. Also, for once, I have someone's birthday gifts way ahead of time and don't have to rush around the day of. I even bought a card...how friggin' good am I? Ha!

Stuffy and Cranky

I started back at Corporate last week. It was not nearly as nausiating as I thought it would be. Everyone was very happy to see me and the group seems pretty relaxed. Of course, I am not getting slammed with work quite yet, so we'll see how long it lasts. My typical luck; first week back, I got a terrible cold and had to call in last Thursday! I felt like a total ass, but JP said it was ok, not like I am new to the group really. I was feeling better Friday, until Vaquita decided to bark and cry all night, completely denying me even a couple hours of sleep. My immune system crashed due to exhaustion and I am now loaded with a ass-kicking virus, clogging my sinuses and making me wish I could drill a hole into the side of one of my eye sockets and drain the pressure. :(

I am supposed to go back to the old office tomorrow to train my replacement. I don't really see what I can do in one day, but I will amuse them and go on down. Part of me wants to see all the guys, I miss them already. I was sad leaving there, I am over it now, I do not want to be sad about it again.

The next 28 days are not going to be fun. I am treating one of the horses for EPM. The treatment is a nightly dose of a medicinal paste. CJ is a piss-ant son of a bitch when I worm him every other month, so to have to do it every night is not a treat. Last night he got pissed off and reared high enough to hit the top of his stall. Oh well, I didn't feel it. I did feel the wrenching of my back as I got after him about being such a dangerous shithead. I am not going through that crap for the next month. No one else at the barn can handle him, and I do not want to handle him, stubborn beast. People wonder why I prefer mares...they have more sense for personal safety. One argument and my mare decides the fight is not worth it. I can not wait until CJ's treatments are over and he is shipped off for training. Of course, I get his mother, a rather large Thoroughbred Mare, with the same pissy attitude as her mother (whom I had for 4 years) and her son. Good times! Will someone please remind me why I love horses? I forget sometimes.....

My Speckled Wonder

Vaquita's new nickname...."The Speckled Wonder". She is way too cute, isn't she?

Finally Time to Post

Well, this is my last week in my current office. Beginning Monday, I will be the technical goofball at corporate again. My friends there are excited to have me back, hoping I will lighten up the mood at corporate, but I am all set with getting into trouble for being too "happy" at the job again. I am planning on slapping on the headphones, turning up the music and going into the ZONE.

It's a slow day here, which is fine. I have not done much packing and have a lot of desk cleanup to do. It's amazing what one collects after only two years. Am I sad? Yes, somewhat. It would have been easier if I was allowed to leave a few weeks ago, when I was all riled up and pissed off at this place. Things have been more amicable as of late, making it harder to say goodbye. I know though, that nothing has changed, and the same old bullshit simply lingers in the background. Like the song "Smiling Faces Sometimes..." states;

Smiling faces sometimes pretend to be your friend
Smiling faces show no traces of the evil that lurks within.

Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes they don't tell the truth, uh
Smiling faces, smiling faces tell lies and I got proof.

I know the same old back-stabbing is going on, I just am not bothering to look for it anymore. They are angry I am "abandoning" them all, but if they really thought about it, they would know why and be truly ashamed.

The pup has been a bad Vaquita. She tried to bite my guy yesterday when he reprimanded her for chewing on my shoe. I got home to find her in the crate looking utterly guilty. She is a skittish little dog and definitely only trusts me, but she can not be biting people who try to pick her up. I guess I have to work harder on discipline, trouble is, I can not seem to make her mad enough to nip at me. We'll see, but she better cut the crap. Daddy is NOT HAPPY.

I had a scary day yesterday! I had brought my car to get new tires on Monday. One of the new tires had a hole in it, so I had to pick the car up with three new ones and one old one, but drove it home with no problem. On the way to work, the car was making an awful rattling noise. I thought maybe one of the tires was flat, so I got out and kicked the three new ones, they seemed fine. I didn't bother with the old tire, figuring it was not touched. Well, the noise got worse by the time I traveled the 30 miles to work, so I had one of the guys here drive it for me. He did not drive very far when he was sure something was very wrong. He jacked it up and after shaking the one old tire, realized it was VERY loose. The lugnuts were turned about once by hand, and fell off when he just put the lug wrench on them. I was told by all the guys that I was VERY lucky to have made it all that way without the tire falling off. It would have been a very different day for me if I had lost the tire. I am dropping the car off tonight for the fourth tire, and I am quite sure after the "chat" my Guy had with him, all my tires will be quadruple checked for tightness and if I need a new rim because of what happened, it will promptly be replaced. I had a guardian angel on my shoulder yesterday, for that I am very thankful!

No Time to Type, so Sharing Discoveries

I have not had time to post anything about my own days, but I was sent an article I felt was interesting enough to post. Any thoughts or opinions are greatly encouraged.

The Art of Not Being Offended
By Dr. Jodi Prinzivalli
There is an ancient and well-kept secret to happiness which the Great Ones have known for centuries. They rarely talk about it, but they use it all the time, and it is fundamental to good mental health. This secret is called The Fine Art of Not Being Offended. In order to truly be a master of this art, one must be able to see that every statement, action and reaction of another human being is the sum result of their total life experience to date.

In other words, the majority of people in our world say and do what they do from their own set of fears, conclusions, defenses and attempts to survive. Most of it, even when aimed directly at us, has nothing to do with us. Usually, it has more to do with all the other times, and in particular the first few times, that this person experienced a similar situation, usually when they were young.

Yes, this is psychodynamic. But let's face it, we live in a world where psychodynamics are what make the world go around. An individual who wishes to live successfully in the world as a spiritual person really needs to understand that psychology is as spiritual as prayer. In fact, the word psychology literally means the study of the soul.

All of that said, almost nothing is personal. Even with our closest loved ones, our beloved partners, our children and our friends. We are all swimming in the projections and filters of each other's life experiences and often we are just the stand-ins, the chess pieces of life to which our loved ones have their own built-in reactions. This is not to dehumanize life or take away the intimacy from our relationships, but mainly for us to know that almost every time we get offended, we are actually just in a misunderstanding.

A true embodiment of this idea actually allows for more intimacy and less suffering throughout all of our relationships. When we know that we are just the one who happens to be standing in the right place at the right psychodynamic time for someone to say or do what they are doing — we don't have to take life personally. If it weren't us, it would likely be someone else.

This frees us to be a little more detached from the reactions of people around us. How often do we react to a statement of another by being offended rather than seeing that the other might actually be hurting? In fact, every time we get offended, it is actually an opportunity to extend kindness to one who may be suffering — even if they themselves do not appear that way on the surface. All anger, all acting out, all harshness, all criticism, is in truth a form of suffering. When we provide no Velcro for it to stick, something changes in the world. We do not even have to say a thing. In fact, it is usually better not to say a thing.

People who are suffering on the inside, but not showing it on the outside, are usually not keen on someone pointing out to them that they are suffering. We do not have to be our loved one's therapist. We need only understand the situation and move on. In the least, we ourselves experience less suffering and at best, we have a chance to make the world a better place.

This is also not to be confused with allowing ourselves to be hurt, neglected or taken advantage of. True compassion does not allow harm to ourselves either. But when we know that nothing is personal, a magical thing happens. Many of the seeming abusers of the world start to leave our lives. Once we are conscious, so-called abuse can only happen if we believe what the other is saying. When we know nothing is personal, we also do not end up feeling abused. We can say, "Thank you for sharing," and move on. We are not hooked by what another does or says, since we know it is not about us.

When we know that our inherent worth is not determined by what another says, does or believes, we can take the world a little less seriously. And if necessary, we can just walk away without creating more misery for ourselves or having to convince the other person that we are good and worthy people.

The great challenge of our world is to live a life of contentment, regardless of what other people do, say, think or believe. The fine art of not being offended is one of the many skills for being a practical mystic. Though it may take a lifetime of practice, it is truly one of the best kept secrets for living a happy life.

Dr. Jodi Prinzivalli conducts workshops in the Chicago area regularly. She is the author of the recently released book How to Be a Mystic in a Traffic Jam.

Just Funny

A friend of mine sent this link. It amused me, so I am posting it. Enjoy.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/it_only_tuesday

Balance In A Crooked World

As some may have noticed, I am trying to enhance my blog a bit. I want to add more pictures, but of course, have not picked up my camera in a bit. It needs more cheer. I named this blog my Bandwagon Lanyard to make it my way of staying on the "positive bandwagon", but it had been hard lately. I decided writing about things which bother me is ok, but it needs balance. What better than pictures that make me smile?

Some Things Never Change

I try to think positive. I try to believe things will get better, but lately...bah! I still have no idea when my job switch will occur. This is my third transfer within this company and the third time I have been screwed around with by the powers that be. Some things never change.

I am the Queen of interesting email signatures at work. I love changing them on a near weekly basis, modifying the font and changing the little picture, depending on my mood. Well, no more! It is against company policy.

Note: The use of icons, i.e., pictures of phones, faxes, and trucks, logos, happy faces, etc. are prohibited. The use of colored, textured, pictured or backgrounds with graphics are also prohibited.

They have created an utterly boring template signature, which we MUST all use. There will be NO INDIVIDUALITY in this company. Fun of any kind must be stomped. We are merely minions to a huge corporation; drones, if you will. It is a sad day when I must delete my utterly adorable signature creations. A sad day indeed. Some things never change.

I was told that I could expect reimbursement on a load to someone, which is nearly 2 years past due. When I read the message stating I could expect a weekly check, my first thought was...same old story, different day. Part of me did want to believe things had changed, that this person would follow through on an old promise. Alas, two weeks later, nothing. Am I surprised? No. Am I disappointed? I can not help it, yes I am. I want to believe in people. Sometimes it just does not help. Could there be a logical explanation? Possibly, but how many times can one be burned by false-hope before finally accepting the truth. Some things never change.

I lost my mojo, yet again. This slump I have fallen into seems to be unending. I am letting things get to me, which a year ago would have rolled off my chest. What happened? I think a combination of a lot of different stresses and events over the past several months has just brought me down. I have been here before and just need to slap myself out of it. I need to stop dwelling on the little things and remember things are getting better, I have more positives than negatives and I am learning. I forget that sometimes. Some things never change.

A Whole Lot of Thinking, Not A Lot of Typing

I have probably written 5 blogs in the past 3 days. Trouble is, they were all in my head. My mind normally is spinning while I drive, thoughts about the past day, my present mission and all the crap I have to do in the near future. It tends to make for a lot of missed turns and forgotten errands.

Lately, I have been thinking about getting older. I am thirty, soon to be thirty-one years old. No, I am not old (though I feel old many pain-ridden days). Many of my friends are either getting married or having babies. Should I feel left behind? I have a wonderful man in my life. I would marry him in an instant, but really, it is not something I crave. I do not sit home wishing he would propose. I do not ever bring up marriage and children. I am enjoying just being around him. We have things to do. He is fighting for custody of his daughter. We are both busy with work. We are in no hurry. Is there something wrong with that fact? I often wonder if I am abnormal because I am not looking to be married and have children. I am not sure if I ever want to have a baby. I figure when the time comes and the question arises, I will see how I feel then. I know my Guy wants to marry me someday and possibly have a baby, but I guess I avoid the topic. He is not the kind of man to hold back and wonder how I feel. If he wanted to know, he would ask.

So many people rush into marriage, getting engaged after only a few months of seeing someone. I do not understand the rush. How can one really know another after such a short period of time. My Guy and I are approaching our one year anniversary, and we are still learning about each other, our likes/dislikes, odd habits and what it is like to live with each other. I think some people just want to be married. They want to say they are engaged and then married. They want that pretty little picture, when really they need something completely different. It is interesting to watch. Humans are always in such a hurry for satisfaction. I will say, my friends who are having or just did have children were smart enough to be married for at least a few years prior to trying to have a baby. They thought more about their future children than about the status symbol some people consider a baby.

I am not going to be in a hurry. I want to be settled. I can not be a good wife and could not possibly consider children until I am happy with my own existence. I want to be proud of my career. I want a home in which I feel comfortable. I want to go to bed each night knowing I have done well with my day. I want to be content. I have time, I am going to use it.

Mixed Reviews

I took a four day weekend this past weekend. I have a week of vacation left to use and want to use it before the job transfer. I, of course, had all sorts of plans for the weekend, but didn't get half of them done. I can't say the weekend was great, nor can I say it was bad. What makes me truly angry is one event is marring my entire weekend, all because of one lie. I hate being lied to, especially by someone I am supposed to be able to trust. It was unnecessary and disrespectful, but what else is new these days. I officially give up trying to keep everyone happy. I am lucky to have my Guy in my life. If it weren't for him, I think I would have packed up and left town by now.

Anyway, forget the bad shit. I did have fun this weekend. Friday night a group of us headed to Rhode Island for the Lipazzaner Stallions Show. It was a good time, amazing horses, amazing riders. I am not sure the men were very impressed, but eh..the women had fun. The most fun the men had occurred when one of the riders was almost tossed, after one of the Andalusian Stallions let out a powerful Capriole. To see a Capriole from the ground, check out this link. http://www.lipizzaner.com/Capriole.asp. Now picture a rider attempting to stay seated...unbelievable. He did stay on, but galloped out of the arena hanging off the side of this beautiful horse.

Saturday night I laughed harder than I have in a long time!! I went to dinner with a few friends at a local restaurant and had an amazing time. There are numerous pictures illustrating our antics, but none I will be posting. I haven't even shown them to my Guy yet....I wimped out! There was a Blues Band playing that night, so we danced, drank (too much) and ate (again...too much). I was in tears at least five times throughout the night. It was way too much fun, and we are planning to go back when that band returns. A little drunken debauchery once is awhile is ok, right?

Sunday was much more tame. We took J-bird apple/pumpkin picking with another family. We certainly did not need more apples, as we haven't eaten the ones from our last excursion. We did get 4 great pumpkins to be carved/decorated this coming weekend. We then went to dinner at my Guy's Dad's house. I like his Dad, nice guy and of course amusing sarcastic, like his two sons. J-bird and I just could not keep up with her Daddy at soccer. He never lets us win..the bully. J and I did laugh though, we love Our Guy!

Yesterday I spent money I do not have. I had to get some new clothes, as I have nothing to wear to the new job. I can wear whatever I want at my current office, but going to corporate means "business casual" wear, and I did not have any. I hate shopping, but I did get a few things that will get me by for the moment. My current boss refuses to confirm when I will be leaving, but my 30 days is up on the 26th, so replacement or not, I am out of here then. I requested the 25th and 26th off, we'll see if it is approved. I am having some people to dinner on the 26th, and knowing me and my cooking skills, I am definitely going to need the day to prepare.

Well, back to work. I have plenty to do...Wish me luck.

What's The Difference?

I honestly do not see the difference between "borrowing" money from someone, with no real intentions to pay it back, and stealing the money. I hate owing people money, including my credit card companies. How come some people do not feel guilty? Even if the money was taken from someone who has more than enough, it is still that person's money. I work for my money, if I need more, I should work harder. Now, I realize, there are extenuating circumstances that make borrowing from friends or family a necessity at the time, but to not pay the lender back is, in my opinion, shameful. My Mom offered to lend me money to help pay for all the medical expenses associated with Vaquita, but the pup was my choice and my problem. Granted I am now in a bit of financial distress, but I will fix it on my own. The worst is watching the person who borrowed the money spend any extra money that comes about later on frivolous things, rather than paying back debts...I just do not get it. No conscience, I guess. I have watched so many people fall into this "borrowing" hole, and once it starts, it never stops.

A friend of mine is dealing with this issue now with her ex-husband. He did not borrow money from her, but owes more credit agencies that I could count and because he was married to her at the time, the collection agencies are harassing my friend. I think that is so unfair. This guy just wanders around, not caring that his family is being constantly contacted about his debts. Again...where's the guilt?!

I am lucky. I have finally surrounded myself with people who are honest and trustworthy. I am with a guy who works extremely hard and accepts responsibility for all his own expenses. I have friends who, though they know I would lend them money if they needed, would never ask because they are responsible. Though I am seriously lacking in funds myself right now, it is ok because it will teach me to save more and move my money to and from different accounts to make everything balance out. I am learning from my experience and accepting great advise from those around me. It's all about learning.

Protein Shakes...Yuck!

My Chiro has informed me that if I do not eat more protein that I will age faster, have more wrinkles, become depressed and senile. Of course, in the near future, he is more concerned about my building muscle and healing the damage I have done to myself already. My back has been pretty wrecked as of late, 99% of the cause is stress. Some people get cranky when they are stressed, some eat, some don't eat...I injure my back. I am working to relieve some of the stress, but I also need to repair the current damage...hopefully be able to ride my horse and workout again soon.

I do not eat red meat, poultry or pork, therefore my protein must come from seafood. The doc said that proteins from vegetable/bean based foods are not as beneficial as animal-based proteins. I also do not have time for more than a bowl of cereal for breakfast, and normally skip dinner. We calculated I was eating 10-15grams of protein a day..and I need 70! I have been drinking Boost with Protein and eating as much seafood as I can find. I took the doc's advise and picked up a container of a protein shake powder and though I tried, I just can't drink it. It is awful!!! Maybe it is this type, maybe I need to mix it in a blender with ice (and a shot of Bailey's), but as is...no way Jose! I will work on it though. I will try anything at this point.

On a more positive note, I got the new/old job. They will give me a BIG raise and let me keep my hours, so that is sweet. I can not wait to get out of here. I am going to use my last week of vacation in the next month, as I am sure they will hold me as long as they can. Ah well, my time will come.

Bookclub (or as my Guy calls it, the "Cult") is meeting next week. We have been reading "Marching Powder" by Rusty Young. If anyone is into really crazy NON-Fiction, this is a great read. The story is about an English man who lives in a Bolivian Prison. This prison is like nothing one could ever imagine. I am still in shock as what I have read. I highly recommend this one. The discussion should be interesting.

The Lipizzaner Stallions are coming to the area..and I am going! I saw them years ago and loved it. A group of us is going next week to see them, it should be a really good time, as three couples are going together...Three horse women and three NON-horse men. The men will be pleasantly surprised. I brought a guy I used to date the first time I saw this show and he really enjoyed it, despite his animosity toward horses. I can't wait, there is nothing more amusing than proving the sarcastic men wrong. :-)

Gotta Go

Well, I am leaving my job. Oddly enough, I am returning to my previous position and heading back to corporate. I would prefer to leave the company all together, but I need a job and they are offering me a large raise and allowing me to keep my hours. Recent events have made it impossible for me to stay on in my current position. I do not like to be bad-mouthed and talked about behind my back. I do not like to have all the work dumped on me, while someone else spends all the time chatting on the phone. I should not be doing data entry. Therefore, I am going back to a job which challenges my brain and utilizes my scientific background. As much as I HATE corporate, I have to make this change. It's time.....

Now Honey...Don't Be Mad.

My Guy left work early yesterday to go fishing with his buddy. They have gone a few times this year, but not until last night did they catch anything. I was very proud of him, and it was good that he got out to relax and have fun with one of the guys. His friend could not believe I did not call him while they were out. Like my Guy said, I never call. I knew where he was and have things to do myself. I mean, if it was midnight and I had not heard from him, I might call out of worry, but I will only call once. I am not a nag.

Which brings me to the amusing story I just heard from my boss....Who, I might add, is constantly in trouble with his wife.

B had gone fishing with some buddies last Saturday night. He called the Wife to tell her that they were all going to a local bar for a few beers after fishing. Well, they did not end up at the bar, instead they ended up at a poker game. Now I am sure it was bad enough that B was playing poker, as his Wife is constantly on him about money, but to top it all off, he did not get home until 3am...bombed out of his mind. She alerted his nextel a minimum of 10x and left him four voice messages. He sat there thinking, as the phone kept ringing..."If I answer it now, I will get yelled at now and again when I walk through the door. If I don't answer it, I will just get yelled at once, when I get home." B decided to go with option 2. He discoverd option 2 was not a good idea. As he staggered through the door, totally shitfaced, with his bag of MacDonald's chicken nuggets and fries, the Wife was MAD. He said he just sat on the couch, eating his nuggets, while she let explitories fly and chastised him for being late and not calling. He could not argue, she was right and he was too drunk to defend himself.

So, I am wondering....What should he have done? He is 30-something years old, works hard, takes care of the two kids all the time, but likes to have fun sometimes and over-indulge. I am not married, so maybe I can not quite comprehend, but I think other than being a bit pissed because I worried, what could I really say. He's an adult. My Guy doesn't usually stay out that late and doesn't get totally drunk, so maybe I am just lucky.

I just had to laugh. Knowing his Wife, his options sucked. It made for an amusing story for the rest of us though.

Hump Day...

So, I am on day 3 without my Vaquita at work with me. She was banned. "Why" you ask? Good question. I received an email last week when I was out sick, from my cowardly boss, stating that I would "need to find other arrangements for the dog." She would sleep ALL day, waking a few times to have a snack or go outside for a potty-break, but apparently that was disruptive to an office where men are constantly yelling and swearing at each other. The guys keep coming into my office asking where the puppy is, she made them smile before heading out to a shitty day of work. Can't have that, can't have happy employees! I guess when one is a "ball-less" boss, one must flex his muscles whenever he can, even if it does make one of his most valuable employees even more disgruntled.

Things have been rough lately, between my being sick as all hell, my horse being a complete wing-nut, and my Guy having a bad time with his custody battle, it is hard to grasp onto the good times. He and I have been trying to wind down the days by relaxing in the hottub at night, but even the steamy water can not melt away the tensions of late. We were able to escape for a short time, heading to the Boat Show in Newport, RI on Sunday. Doing that was nice. It was fun to walk onto those beautiful boats and pretend for a few minutes that one of them was ours. My favorite boat was on sale....only $375K! A steal really... Must be nice, that's all I can say.

Tonight should be fun. We are going to dinner with our serogate family for my "little brother's" birthday. DV is turning 23...ah, to be that young again. This will be the first time in about 15 years that my Guy and CV's husband have sat down in a room together. They worked together for years, but had a falling out and my Guy is not one who forgives easily. We have broken down the barrier though, as he did not have much choice. That family is now a permanent part of my life, love me...love my extended family. He does love them, he used to babysit the boys and even change their diapers. They are his little brothers and two of his best friends. He just had to forgive KV for past bullshit, and it appears he finally has done so. I am very happy for that fact and so is KV. My Guy is very STUBBORN, so to know him is to know that getting over the past is HUGE. Big day...momentous even. :-)

A Real Piece of Work

That is how my Guy describes Vaquita. I have been very sick the past week, so he has been trying to help me out taking care of her. She is quite timid and gives him a ton of crap about going out and then coming back in. She's cute though, so he does not get mad (at least not yet). I finally got some pics of the wild child.

Darn!

I wish I had my camera with me right now. I had given Vaquita my little bowl with some leftover cottage cheese from my lunch, which she loves. I turned around to find her looking at me with cottage cheese all over her face, even on her eye lashes. These are the moments that make spending $2500 to save my little mutt worth every penny!

Great Times

I had a wonderful weekend.....all thanks to my (way too) great Guy. Friday night we went to a new restaurant, a Sushi and Hibachi Bar in Plymouth. It was so much fun and the food was fantastic. I am a huge sushi fan, but the hibachi bar was great. The cooks are pretty funny and they make fantastic food. I completely recommend the "New Tokyo" restaurant.

Saturday was meant to be a day to get a lot accomplished. After an invite to breakfast at CV's house, I ended up chatting with her all day and not even getting my stalls cleaned until 3:30pm. It was ok though, a three day weekend leaves one day to be wasted. I spent a couple hours relaxing with the pup in the yard and then went to dinner with my Guy, his Dad and J-bird. I have never spent much time with his Dad, so it was nice to get to know him. He bought us dinner and told me some pretty funny stories about my sweetie and his younger years. After dinner, J-bird wanted to watch "Arthur and the Invisibles". It was a cute movie and a nice relaxing way to end the evening.

Sunday we picked my Mom up and we all went to my Aunt's house for a cookout. J-bird loves it there, with all the other kids and the pool. It was a nice time, with WAY too much food. Oh well, restart the diet after the holiday. :-)

Today was for me and my Guy. I had a riding lesson first thing this morning and he surprised me with a coffee and helped clean my stalls, while I put my horse away. Then we went to King Richard's Faire. We have both only been once before and a very long time ago. I had SOOO much fun. I always have fun with my Love, but we had a great day. He is always thinking of ways to make me smile, and I think I have a few extra laugh lines after today. After the Faire, we stopped for some icecream and then headed back home to veg out.

It was a full weekend. I did not get any of my errands done but who cares! It was a holiday weekend and I had a blast. I have said it before, but I am saying it again....I have a great boyfriend...I couldn't love him more if Cupid was real and shot me with enough arrows to hit every human in the world. Hee hee, I know, I am a dork, but hell....Ain't Love grand?

Turning Point

I have not been able to blog in a bit, as I had nothing positive to say and I did not want to write and dwell on my sadness and worry. I also did not want to write about something, have it turn out badly and then have to face that post each time I log into my blog.

Vaquita has been very sick. She slowly became lethargic over last weekend and when I brought her to the vet Monday for her second lyme shot, the doctor said she appeared extremely anemic and bloated. He pulled blood and because I was worried, I stayed home with her on Tuesday. The doc called Tuesday around 9:30am and gave me horrid news, in short telling me that either I had to bring my new baby to an emergency hospital or she would die. We were in the car by 9:45am. Vaquita was in desperate need of a blood transfusion and her liver levels were way off. I rushed her down the cape to the specialist hospital and had to leave her and a deposit of $2000. They gave her the transfusion and ran a multitude of tests. The doctors did start to treat her for the tick-born disease Erichliosis, after I spoke to the people in Puerto Rico who sent her to me. They were adamant that Vaquita must be suffering from that disease. She did start to respond to the treatments and get better. I am still waiting on some more blood tests, but so far she is doing great and after three long days, I can finally bring her home this afternoon. She will need daily antibiotics and weekly blood tests, but it looks like my pup will make it. I am not sure how I will pay this whopping bill, but I could not give up on her and lose another dog so soon.

I also was worried about a friend of mine who had a mole removed and was told it was cancerous. He is only 23 years old and his family has a history of death from skin cancer. We had to wait a week for him to see the surgeon to find out the prognosis, and thankfully he will only need one more surgery and then will be fine. What a relief! This guy worries worse than I do, so the psychological danger to him was making me more nervous than the physical danger. I am very happy that he received such fabulous news!

Moxie was supposed to be leaving. He is my horse's field mate. Mox is the only horse with whom Capall can be turned out and not have her go into raging heat or kick the crap out of him. She does not play well with others, but Mox is a grouch, so they have an interesting love-hate relationship. They kick at each other every morning, but never connect and actually get upset when one notices the other is upset in any way. It's cute. CV was going to sell Mox because she doesn't have time for him and is unable to ride anymore. I had a bad feeling about the woman who wanted to buy him and she finally backed out. Wing-nut! It's a long story, but I know Moxie is better off. Ok, so I am excited for my own selfish reasons as well, but I do truly want him to be a happy pony. He is happy at our farm.

I realized something this past week. I constantly felt as though I needed to change something in my life, that if I did so, I would not have this feeling of worry and stress. I came to understand it is change that is upsetting me. So many events are occurring around me of which I have no control. I could not stop my puppy from getting sick, I could not help my friend to not have cancer, I could not stop CV from selling Moxie, and I could not fix so many other "wrongs" that I have been watching occur around me. I watch people I care for suffer though hard times and I can not seem to do a damn thing about it and it makes me crazy. I carry that pain in my back, and I only end up with my own disabling problems and am no help to anyone. I need to accept that things happen for a reason. We need to learn from them and move on. The Universe only puts on us what it knows we can handle. I need to trust myself and turn what at first may seem to be a negative, into a positive. That concept is not very easy for me, especially when I am feeling overwhelmed, but I CAN do it. Unless I want to end up a physical wreck, suffering forever with sever back pain, I HAVE to do it.

"Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life"

A friend of mine sent me an article describing the meaning of the Tao Te Ching. I recommend everyone read this article. http://www.theglobalintelligencer.com/aug2007/arts

I would give anything to be able to make these words my reality.

Most people have too much;
I alone seem to be missing something.
Mine is indeed the mind of an ignoramus
in its unadulterated simplicity.
I am but a guest in this world.
While others rush about to get things done,
I accept what is offered.
I alone seem foolish,
earning little, spending less.
Other people strive for fame;
I avoid the limelight,
preferring to be left alone.
Indeed, I seem like an idiot:
no mind, no worries.

I drift like a wave on the ocean.
I blow as aimless as the wind.

All men settle down in their grooves;
I alone am stubborn and remain outside.
But wherein I am most different from others is
in knowing to take sustenance from the great Mother!

Day Off

I took today off in order to go on a job interview. The place is close by and the jobs sounds interesting, so wish me luck. It's nearly noontime though and I haven't done much, except play with the pup and complete the application. I took some pics though, so here's some (not so great) pics of the baby.

The vicious monkey is attacking my feet, she loves shoes. I have to break her of that habit, especially since Daddy caught her eating his boot laces. Hee hee.

It's Official

I have a new baby girl! She arrived Friday night around 6:36pm, 5lbs, 5oz! She is a tiny tot!!! My Guy and I met up with the girl from the humane society at the airport and as she took this miniscule spotted dog out of a bag carrier, my first thought was, "where is the rest of her?". I expected a chunky dalmation type puppy, but who cares, she is adorable. The Brat calls her "The Rat". Big brute, but he likes her. She is a sweetie, though still skittish and not grasping the no potty-breaks in the house or in the crate rule. We will have to work on that issue.

Her name is Vaquita. It means "little cow" in spanish. They named her that at the shelter and because she responds to it, I decided it worked for me. She has had such a rough start to her little life, including our pulling about 50 tiny ticks off her this past weekend. I have the most patient boyfriend in the world! That fact was proven Friday night when he pulled ticks out from between the toes of this pup and her ears at 11 o'clock at night, after driving over an hour to Boston to pick her up. I love my Guy!

I have brought the baby to work with me the past couple days. She still isn't at the peak of health and it's easier to work on house-breaking if she is with me. She snoozes all day in my office and everyone loves her. Johnny says she is our new mascot. I will have to get her a hardhat and T-shirt. Too bad she can't get a salary too!

I will be sure to take some pics and post them. Hopefully we can show a growth progression, because if my Mom asks "when is she going to grow?" one more time, I might start to get insulted. Hee hee.

Busy Busy Busy

My friends tease me because I hate to have more than one social engagement in one weekend. This coming weekend, I have four! Serenity Now! Why does having so much to do wig me out? I guess because I am so busy during the week, my mind/body/soul crave a day of having NOTHING to do. Now, when I say "nothing", I certainly do not mean to imply I do nothing. I am not someone who sits around just watching television or "vegging" out. I like to keep busy, but it is the lack of a schedule I desire. My "to-do" list is extensive and does not seem to ever diminish. The thought of taking at least one or two items off the list makes the weekend a good one.


Friday night the pup arrives. I have to be at the airport by 6pm to pick her up. I will be meeting up with the woman from the Humane Society. My Guy and I are disappointed that the flight is coming so early, as we were hoping to grab dinner at the Rock Bottom Restaurant in Braintree first. We love that place!! There will not be any time for dinner before hitting the airport, so the seared ahi and beer I love so much, will have to wait. Once I have the pup, I doubt I will want to do more than get her home and make sure she is ok.


The pup will have to come along to the barn with me in the morning to feed breakfast. I would like to get a chance to ride my horse after breakfast, but with the pup and the preparation for the barn party that afternoon, I doubt I will have time for a relaxing hack. I have not had time this week to get any of the food/drink for the party and I would like to help set up. CV is busy enough without having the worries of party set-up. I can not wait to see everyone though. Kev is coming, I miss him soooo much. He is a riot, so it should be a ton of fun. Three of the guests have either had a birthday or are going to have one soon, so I am bringing the champagne for a toast or two and one of the girls is bringing her "Famous Chocolate Cake." Last year the party brought tear-streaming laughter and some crazy pictures, so this year I am looking forward to a great time. Hopefully we can keep Little Duncan, the corgi, from getting drunk like he did last year. He kept drinking out of any cups left low enough, and licking up all the spilled alcohol. He had a hell of a hangover the next day. Nothing worse than a corgi with a hangover, though his headache kept him for his normally constant barking.


Sunday is supposed to be a great weather day, which means we will be going out on the boat. I am tempted to bag out of the boating activities, but unless we find someone else over 12, the two guys will not be able to ski without getting into trouble with the harbor master. I guess I will have to see how my back feels. I can't risk hurting it further by riding on the boat all day again. I certainly will not be riding the tube any more this year.


Sunday night I have dinner plans with a friend I have not seen in years. She and I used to work together, then once she left we met for dinner every few months. She got married about 2 years ago and is now having her first baby! I am so excited for her. We have been trying to get together for months, but like she said, we are running out of time. Her baby is due next month! I am sure she will be crazy busy with the new baby, so best to catch her while the baby is still in "tummy-tow".


I am taking this coming Monday off. I want to spend more time with the puppy, plus I am going to be taking my new friend out. She is the daughter of one of my Guy's friends. She is a great kid, only 10 years old, smart and very polite. She loves horses, so we are going to go to the barn and see all my pony-friends and hopefully grab an icecream while we are out. I felt terrible cancelling this past Monday on her, so I definitely need to take her out this coming Monday. The puppy has her first vet appointment in the States Monday afternoon. I want her to be in their files and make sure all is well with my new baby.


How's about I add some cuteness to my blog? Here's another pic of the little sweetie!

It Was A Good Thing

The pup was supposed to arrive this past Friday, but due to a fever, she could not be shipped. I was very disappointed. I had made special arrangements to pick her up, changed plans, and then was told it was not going to happen. I have so been looking for something to change in my life for the better, so the last thing I wanted was to be denied one thing I was sure would put a big smile on my face.

After the weekend I had, I realize it was for the best that the pup did not arrive. My Guy wanted to go out on his boat, so his friend with whom we normally go boating came, along with his two kids and for the first time this year, J-bird was around to come. Normally I am the spotter while the guys are skiing. I also drive the boat when they want to ride the tube together, but this time I wanted to do more. I decided to get in the tube. BAD IDEA! It is a three-person tube, so I was on one side, one of the kids in the middle and my guy on the other side. He kept asking if I was ok, and I was, it did not hurt while we were moving. His friend kept the boat pretty slow, speeding up a couple times to mess with me. The trouble began when the boat stopped....and I tried to move. OUCH! I slid into the water and tried to swim to the boat. No deal, I could not move my legs because my displaced hips were pulling on my lower back. It was bad, they drove over and picked me up. My face was sheet white and I bit my tongue to hold back the tears. I stayed on the boat so the guys could still ski (as I was the only spotter over 12). It was a rough afternoon. As we drove home, I thought how it was a good thing I was not going home to a new puppy. I could not have even walked her. I then had to go to CV's house and put her dogs in, one of which was freaking out because of an impending storm and had to be tranquilized. I spent an hour trying to wrangle the dogs into the house. At this point, I was spent and all set with dogs!

Sunday brought its own stresses. A court appointed laison was coming to the house to meet with J-bird and see how she and My Love interact. I made myself scarce, as this is not my place, but before she came, I could see the tension on his face. He was cleaning the house, vacuuming up the dog's hair on the carpet. I can imagine what one more dog would have done to his stress level that day. I would not have wanted to add anymore to his day.

Though I was sad about the puppy and would have liked to have seen her, there was a reason she did not come, a universal purpose. It it true, everything happens for a reason.

Sleepless Nights

I opted to stay in tonight. Normally we go to a local pub to see friends on Sunday nights, but I am tired and have a headache, which I am pretty certain is related to a serious lack of sleep as of late. Why am I not sleeping? Well, there is the constant waking up to go to the bathroom (even when I don't drink much before bed). I have been having a lot of busy dreams lately as well, ranging from foolishness, to dreams about work, to ones I know plague me, but I can not recall once I am awake. I would like a full night's sleep, at least once a week.

I do not have the pup yet. She can not be shipped from Puerto Rico for another two weeks. I wish I had her now, the more I wait, the more I think I should not have adopt another dog at this time. There is so much going on right now. I am trying to find a new job, all the while attempting to open dog kennel in the next year. My home life continues to be a mess, as I can't stand the situation with my sister. My Love still fights with his Ex for custody of his daughter. It is hard to watch such a fight. No matter what happens, the child suffers. My heart breaks for her. Her Daddy loves her more than anything, but he can not protect her from the hurt of a broken home.

I guess the uncertainty of the future is what is keeping me awake and stressing me to the point of three cold sores in one week. My worry about the future is a trait that has always been an issue for me. So many people are trapped in the past, yet I am drained by anticipation for the future. Either way, one misses out on the present. I do try. Lately though, I have lost my ability to relax my mind. It is in fast-forward. I will keeping working on hitting pause...at least long enough to enjoy the love I have found and the friends who were from my past, are in my present, and I am sure will be there for my future.

How True

How true is this, yet how many of us take far too long to "quit" something that is detrimental to us? I know I take WAY too long....

Ah Well

I probably can not get the new puppy for another three weeks. After hearing that news, I had myself a bigtime mental temper tantrum. The little me in my head was jumping up and down and whining.."I want my puppy NOW". LOL Hey, it's a human trait to want instant gratification, can't help it. I am better now though, she will be worth waiting for.

I was allowed to finally change my hours at work. I backed them up a half hour, 7am-3pm. I am hoping to have a bit more time in the evening to exercise and spend with my new puppy (when she FINALLY arrives...ok, so maybe I am still a bit whiney about it. hee hee). The traffic is so rough, especially in the afternoon, hopefully leaving here earlier will shorten my commute a bit. It took about a week for my boss to make the decision, which should have been a fairly easy one. My arriving earlier in the afternoon will make life easier for my drivers and foreman, as they will not have to wait as long for paperwork in the morning. Most of my rush time is first thing when I get in, so this should make life not so crammed.

I still ran into moron commuters who apparently can not read numbers, as they never get to the posted speedlimit, some going even 15mph below the speedlimit. It makes me so crazy to be behind someone going 35-40 in a clearly marked 50mph zone. I can understand large, loaded trucks, but a regular car??? Then there are those people who don't think they should have to use their turn signal....they should be slapped around a few times. Last time I checked, a turn signal was standard in EVERY car and if it does not work...get it fixed ya cheap S.OB! It just strikes me as utterly inconsiderate to go as slow as you want, and then suddenly stop to turn without warning. Are people doing it on purpose or are they just that oblivious to the fact that they are not the only people on the road? Argh! There is not enough coffee in Columbia to help deal with these bozos in the morning.

No More Pain!

I have not written it a bit, but certainly not due to lack of thoughts needing to be expressed. I have neither had the time, nor the gumption to write my true thoughts.

Vacation was fun. My Love and I tried to think of some fun activities to do with J-Bird. She and I did a lot of coloring. Even at the ripe ol' age of 30, I still can't stay in the lines. J-Bird says it's ok, nobody's perfect. :-) We made a trip on the train to Boston to go to the Children's Museum, which was fine despite the long train ride. We went to the Carnival, rode our bikes on the Cape Cod Canal, and enjoyed some cookouts for the 4th. My extended family finally got to meet My Love and his beautiful little girl, and they found them both to be wonderful...of course. We also went to the zoo, which I think I enjoyed more than anyone. I had a hard time by the end of the week with J's whining, but I am not used to a 5-year old, so it will take time. She is a great little girl, and I pray daily her father wins the custody battle so he can ensure his little girl does not grow up to be selfish and manipulative, like her mother.


I decided that week that I need a dog in my life. I have Isis, my beloved Chow-bella, but she is 11years old and my Mom walks her. It is unfair for me to be taking her for walks and tiring Isis out, leaving my Mom with no dog to walk. My Love has two labs, but they are his dogs, one of them doesn't listen to me, and I feel terrible if I separate them to walk one. I attempted to adopt a dog from the shelter at which I had worked during college, but it attacked Isis, so I had to bring her back. After the trauma of watching my Isis be bitten by something I brought home, I decided I was wrong, I did not want another dog. Part of me does not want another dog. I miss Kayla, I want Kayla, but I can't have her. I NEED another dog. I need to go walking, I need someone to whom I can confide my deepest thoughts, who will not feel the need to give me advice, but just listen and love me unconditionally. I need someone with whom I can escape into the woods and have great adventures.


Over the winter, I saw a special on the local town station about Satos, mixed breed dogs from Vieques, Puerto Rico. On a hunch, I sent an email to the Viequas Humane Society, and though the dog I had asked about was being adopted to a family in Connecticut, they just got in a litter of 3 female puppies. They appear to be dalmation mixes, but they can't be sure. If all goes well, I will be adopting one of these beautiful pups and having her flown from Puerto Rico to Boston. I am very excited, though nervous at the concept of that much responsibility. I think this is the kick in the pants I need to get out of my current funk.


My insecurity level as of late has been far too high. My back problems are the main catalyst for this issue, as I am constantly in pain. This weekend I had to stop my riding lesson and sit on the ground beside my horse, as I couldn't sit in the saddle any longer. I spent an hour in the shower and then fell asleep in tears, full of frustration and sadness. I have a man who loves me and would give anything to make me feel better, but even his arms around me can't take this pain away. I haven't been exercising enough either, and am angry with myself for losing any of the muscle I had begun to develope in support of my lower back. We are moving the treadmill from my house to his house, as I spend more time there and I will be walking my new pup every night. I will get back to being fit and strong, I have to. I am steadily becoming a burden to those around me, and I can never allow that to happen. I will not stop riding my horse, riding my bike, cleaning my stalls or walking my dogs. Those are the activities which I love and keep me sane. To stop being active would mentally and physically cripple me.


On a more positive note...here's a pic of the pup. How friggin' cute is she?

So It Begins

My vacation has begun. I have the next week off from work...YAHOOOOO! Normally when I take an entire week, rather than a couple days here and there, I am going away somewhere. This year, I am sticking around. My Honey has the week off as well and he has J-Bird for the week, so the three of us are going to have some fun together. Friday night we went to dinner with J's Aunt and Uncle and their 1yr old son. What a cutie! We had a great dinner, then came back to S's house and he made us margaritas. They were WAY too good. J-bird went to bed before our guests arrived, but the baby was up and wandering around the whole time. What energy! He really wanted to get his tiny hands on one of the "adult beverages", so the first half hour was spent trying to distract him from the fun glasses with pretty straws sticking out. Finally he did give up, and decided it would be more fun to trash J's train set. Ah well, Daddy will fix it. :-)

Yesterday I kidnapped my pal "Daisy" and we headed to a funky bead store in Scituate. I needed to find something to which to glue my "Mexican fire agate" and make a necklace. After searching the store for about an hour, I finally asked and the piece I needed was in behind the counter...of course. The girl glued my stone on for me and I now have a very pretty necklace. I felt bad dragging my friend on such a silly venture, but she was a good sport and it was great to have company on one of my crazy adventures.

My Honey and I went to see Ron White last night at the Cape Cod Melody tent. It was a good time. We left late because he had problems with the new machine he uses for work, but we got to the show in plenty of time and enjoyed some good laughs, both by the opening act (who's name I can't remember, but he was great) and Mr. White. There were a few bozos in the crowd, making obnoxious comments, but Ron handled it perfectly and the show went very well. I can't believe how much scotch that man can drink and still get through a show. I would have been passed out on the stage!

Two cookouts today! Yikes, I am not good with having too many social engagements, but I guess it has to be done. First, S and I are going to a birthday cookout at his friend's for their 7year old son. We will stay there a couple hours and then head to my Aunt's cookout. S has never met my extended family, so I hope it goes well. I am hoping J won't be too tired, there will be plenty of kids with whom she can play and a giant inground pool for swimming. I am definitely bringing my bathing suit! I am craving a good swim. Hopefully this week we can take S's boat out and have some fun in the water.

So, I have plenty to do this week...riding lessons, visiting friends I never see anymore and getting my brain waves organized again. Wish me luck. It's been stressful lately, time for rejuvenation.

My Kayla-Baby

I haven't felt much like writing lately. I do not even want to look at my own blog, as I do not want to see the reminder post that Kayla is gone. The house is so empty without her bright-eyed, goofy presence. Isis misses her sister, she stays in the living room waiting for her and runs right to Kayla's couch to see if she came back when Isis was not looking. After 11 years together, we all feel lost without our bully friend.

The Veterinarian who treated Kayla and then helped her to finally rest sent us a very nice card. She really liked Kayla and appreciated her perfect temperment. It is nice to know my shy girl made such an impact on so many lives. She was a gift, one of the most perfect kind.

The story behind my beautiful American Bulldog is one of a kind. I worked at an Animal Shelter in my hometown for about 6 years. I loved it there, met so many great people and wonderful animals. I also learned more than I can explain. I remember seeing my Kayla for the first time like it was yesterday. Linda, the Animal Control Officer, had gotten a call from an elderly woman who said a dog was killing her sheep at night. She then found a large "pitbull" had gotten trapped in her fenced garden. This property was immense, a huge estate. Linda went over and found a thin white and brindle dog, petrified beyond imagination wandering around the garden. She spent a week trying to catch this dog with her rabies pole, but Kayla was an athlete and far too quick. She came back to the shelter one day and asked me to help her bring the coyote trap over. (This was not a leg snap trap as some might imagine, but a huge hav-a-hart trap, completely humane). She put some cheeseburgers in the trap and we left for the afternoon. That night, the call came. It did not take Kayla long to get herself locked in, she was hungry. We went over and took a good look. She was thin, her skin pink with bruises and she was very, very scared, but she did not growl or make a sound when we approached. We carried the cage into the back of the ACO van and went back to the shelter. Kayla was very cooperative, running into her kennel as soon as we opened the door. She cowered in the corner and would not even look at anyone. For two weeks, she ran out to whatever part of her kennel we could be close to her. She took a fancy to the large male lab next door to her, so I sat every day outside their kennels and fed him pupperoni and tossed pieces to her. After the two weeks, she finally snuck over and grabbed one from my fingers through the fencing. We stuck to this routine for another week, then Linda finally allowed me to sit in Kayla's kennel and wait for her to come to me. I sat in her dog bed and tossed her treats for over an hour. Suddenly, in she came! She walked into the inside of the kennel and sat right in my lap and licked my face. Her large (70+lb) body of muscles melted into me and she had the most grateful appearance. Finally she had someone to trust. I can not describe how happy I was to have this dog in my lap, to trust her to lick my face and somehow know she would never hurt me. She never did. For 11 years she loved me, and I loved her. She would only go for walks with me, no matter how hard my Mom tried to get her to go for walks with her. My Kayla was the most loyal friend I could ever dream of having in my life.

I will miss her forever, but now no one will ever hurt her. She is free, but somehow I know she will always be with me when I need her.

Oh, and by the way, Kayla was not the dog killing those sheep. We later found out that a neighbor's shepherd and lab were the murderous culprits. My bull was a lover, not a fighter.

Goodbye

Kayla is better now. She doesn't have to be sad because she can not get up and run with the other dogs or chase the squirrels. She is free. Now it is time for me to heal.

Censorship

I have edited my last blog post to remove parts of it which have cause intense upset in someone's life . I will never understand why my words would have such power, but for my friend's sake, I deleted it. My two friends are not upset about my using them as examples to explain my disdain for human relationships, so although I considered deleting the entire post, I decided to keep it. What I write in my blog is not meant to be any sort of personal attack, they are MY thoughts about things and I have every right to express them. I have had people attempt to censor/stifle my thoughts and ideas, and I will not allow it. I am too old to be bullied by anyone. My blog posts, when about personal issues, never reference anyone directly. There is never a mention of names, as I am someone who respects and desires anonymity. Unless I am sharing my own personal information, I do not offer details. These are my thoughts, as I try to process what I have learned. I am sorry for those who are insulted, angered or saddened by my ideas, but I offer no apologies for my attempt to sort out my own personal thoughts. I post a blog because writing helps me to think through issues in my life and I appreciate the comments of friends and fellow bloggers. It is for me, not for anyone else's benefit.

Relationships Suck!

No, there is nothing wrong between me and my Man. I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately, not only those with lovers, but friends, family members, coworkers...human relationships in general. Humans are far more difficult than they really need to be.

I have some friends who have been going through a tough time with the men in their lives. One is married, sadly enough to a man who can not seem to decide what he wants. It is rubbing off on her. A woman who gives all of herself to the ones she loves, is lost...left questioning her own existence. She waits in limbo for him to tell her if she can be his wife or if she needs to make a life for herself, without him. She does not want to give up on them, she wants to make their marriage better. If only those we loved could see themselves through our eyes, rather than with the blinders of the human ego. I have been in this type of relationship and it is far more punishing to try to convince someone of their worth and potential. I found I ended up losing the ability to see my own worth and potential.


Another friend of mine is getting over her marriage and trying to move on. Her ex has not bothered to contact her or her son to ask how they are, he has just decided they are nothing to him. How does one move on in such a callous manner? It was time for these two to separate, but does it have to end in anger? I guess it is the only way humans can sever ties, through anger and dramatic storytelling in our own minds. My friend has tried to find love with someone with whom she is better connected, but the one man for whom she feels such intense positive emotion, is not ready. He is still carrying baggage from past pains and can not seem to let it go. This "relationship baggage" seems to plague all of us. Who can honestly say he/she carries none? Why can there not be a conveyor belt, such as those at the airport, where we can simply drop off these heavy mind burdens and watch it just disappear into a seeming abyss? Would we miss it? Possibly we would, it is part of us, defines part of our character. Would we be incomplete without it?

I try to learn from my past, take the parts which can aid me into being a better human. I am not finding this task to be an easy one, but none the less, I will continue to try. I am lucky. I found someone who is truly good to me and makes me happy. There are no guarantees in life, but I am going to continue my time with this man and hope this love will last as long as our lives.

Need Ideas

Well all, CV and I are trying to get going on the doggie daycare idea. I am sending out letters to the neighbors to see if anyone bawks at the idea, but we still need a name. Anyone have any ideas?

Here are a few tossed about;
Karmic K-9s : A happy dog leads to a happy human.
Paws At Play
Hound Haven

I am at a loss. It took me a month to name my horse, so you can imagine I am not good at naming anything. Toss some ideas my way, I would greatly appreciate it!

Had to Post It

Ames sent me this one a long time back and I had to request it again. Yummy.....

Yeah, not much to do at work today. I know I will be slammed tomorrow, so going to play today. What better to fantasize playing with but Johnny Depp, some wine and the water??

It's Five O'Clock Somewhere

I love that song. Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffet, for about four minutes, can make me travel off to a tropical island somewhere and almost smell the strawberry margarita in my hand. Ah well, a girl can dream...

My Sweetheart has a new nickname...Dr. Doolittle. No, he's not a vet....He is just an odd, intriguing and intelligent man who amazes all who know him with the strange facts he shares. This past Saturday morning, as I was finishing feeding the horses breakfast, CV called me up to the house. The brave corgi, Duncan, had discovered a LARGE snapping turtle backed up to the pool fence. Her not-so-brave sons (who are 23 and 26 I might add) were poking at it and attempting to figure out how best to move this creature without getting within 8 feet. To quote DV, "those suckers are fast." They decided to call "Dr. Doolittle" at 7am and ask him what they should do (and insinuate that he should come save his girlfriend from the jaws of a prehistoric beast). The Doc's suggestion, "leave it alone, it's a female laying eggs, she will leave when she is done." We were all dying, he says these things with complete confidence that it is true. You know what, I looked it up...he was right! He really is too much. I love my Dr. Doolittle. He declined to save us though, therefore the "men" decided to get the farm tractor, shove the turtle into the bucket and drive it down the street.....to the Doc's father's yard. Sick youngin's. :-)

I have a lesson tonight. Capall and I haven't had a lesson in over a month, due to my being sick, her being injured and our general mental states being against ring work. I rode her last night in the ring, then we went out back to hack around the bogs. She is being so good, I love that I can ride her on the buckle now and not worry about her spooking into a bog. She is still a wacky little mare, but we are back on track in the trust department. Hopefully we can show CV that we are back and ready to work.

Tired

I am beat. Three day work weeks are just as stressful, if not more than a regular work week. Nothing seemed to be easy and sadly it keeps getting worse. I have a bad feeling about my vacation. I am taking the week off for July 4th, and I fear my return will be my breaking point. The screw-ups which ensued when I took just one day off were too much, so imagine an entire week.

Not too much planned for the weekend. The barn is in a state of chaos. All the mares (including my little wacko) are in season, the boys are acting crazy and we have two new horses after tonight. CV and I are at our wits end trying to figure out who can go next to whom and which field to use. I think I have asked her to remind me about 20 times why I like horses...it's not easy sometimes to remember. Naw, I love them...just want to let them all go 20% of the time. :-)

Money is beyond tight lately. Between Kayla's meds, my horse's vet needs and various other necessities, I have found my bank account at it's lowest point since I was unemployed 7 years ago. I am hoping things will settle down soon and I can build it back up to a respectable/less fearful amount.

Ok, there is some sort of creature smashing against my window screen....going to be a rough night. Thunderstorms, large flying insects and no sweetie with whom to sleep. I had to come home, as little J-Bird is with Daddy tonight. It is best, but alas, that fact does not make leaving him any easier at night. I guess that is what stuffed animals are for, eh?

Sweet dreams to all...I hope.

Update

Well I FINALLY feel better, after almost two weeks!! Friday evening was the absolute worst, to the point where I nearly drove myself to the hospital on my way home from work. I was scared that I would not wake up Saturday morning, I have never been so sick. I made it though and can actually eat without getting sick to my stomach. I am taking probiotics and drinking nutrition drinks, but did splurge on a margarita or two at the party yesterday. Thank goodness....now I can get back to my summer.

Thanks to everyone who was concerned. I Love you all. I promise, next time I will be quicker to respond to sickness.....Not going through that again!

Not Feeling Great

I have not felt like writing, or doing much else this week. I have not felt good at all. It started with nausea last weekend, then Tuesday I began getting sharp pains in my stomach. I now have constant "indigestion" type pain in my upper stomach. The symptoms resemble both a stomach ulcer or a hiatal hernia, but who knows..I am no doctor. Yes, I know I should go see one. I have not eaten more than saltine crackers for 3 days and drinking my 8-10 glasses of water a day has become impossible, as water only aggravates my stomach. I woke up last night with pain completely reminiscent of my gallstone attacks of 10 yrs ago, before the doctors pulled that pesky/useless organ right out me. I just want to feel better.

I am sure whatever this condition could be, has something to do with stress. I have not done well learning to let things go, especially at work. I am tired and I want to enjoy this gorgeous weather, which Mother Nature has so kindly bestowed upon us all. My Sweets is having a Memorial Day Bash this weekend, I HAVE to feel better by then. There is far too much eating, drinking and laughing to do...I can not spend the whole time curled in a ball upstairs. I have made it a 4-day weekend from work, taking a vacation day on Tuesday. The Floater (horse dentist) is coming and then I am going out with a friend. I will have fun, I will feel better, I will be happy.

mavilian

There is a username I have not seen in a long time. Nicky passed away in July of last year and still, I see his name and can not stop the tears from flowing. I was cancelling old orders in our system, and he happened to have created on of them in 2003. This is the second time I feel like I have deleted my friend. http://cutepita.blogspot.com/2006/08/delete-nick.html

I will always miss my friend and will never "delete" him from my heart or my soul...

Scarecrow....Here I Come

I found a way to listen to my internet radio again (don't tell the tech geeks at corporate), and there was one of those annoying interruption beeps, followed by a warning. There is a TORNADO watch for the area until 6pm! A damn tornado...in Rhode Island...are you kidding me? So, goodbye to all, my little red sneaker (my Toyota Matrix) and I will be blown away, and off to Oz. With my luck, I will land slam-dunk in the middle of that haunted forest with the trees that slap you and chuck apples at your head. I am always hungry...that would just be so wrong. Emeralds are my favorite stone though, so I would love Emerald City. I hope I get to see a "horse of a different color".....unlike my whacko mare, "a horse with a looney mind."

Ok, I realize the chances of a major tornado are slim, but the thought is far more interesting than simply having to drive home in the pouring rain, with the forecasted hale blinding me as I try to navigate through a roadway which notoriously floods.

I finally convinced My Love to let me take his dogs to the vet for their annual appointment. They need to go soon and he works so much, he can not find the time to even make the appointment. He did not want to put me out and have me deal with two goofy labs. Please! I think I can handle it, I want to do something helpful. Honestly, I do not do much for him, from what I can see. He lets me stay in his beautiful home whenever I want, I can use any of his trucks if I need them, he buys me dinner all the time and is always making me smile. Taking the two blondes to the vet is the least I can do. I am NOT tying them into the back of the truck though, they will have to travel in my little car. Maybe they won't decide to blow their entire winter coats into my upholstery, nor will they drool all over my windows. Yeah, right! Oh well, it's for my guy. Besides, I am sure with a slight smile and pleading eyes, he would love to vac out the car for me afterwards. :-)

Nada Mucho

Not that this thought really relates to anything important, but am I the only person who thinks the song "Ticks" by Brad Paisley is slightly disturbing? Ok, maybe it's just me. Ticks have always totally wigged me out, so the fact that he is singing about picking them off a girl after she walks through a field totally grosses me out. I know...utterly irrelavent, but it was on my mind. :-)

Not too much is new in my little world. I have not been feeling great the past couple of days, constantly cold (what else is new) and just feeling drained....just another sign of my desperate need for a vacation. I am on the outs again with the family (again, what else is new?). I got home, after another long, crappy-ass day at work, to find my sister's car in my parking spot. I know, it may seem petty, but as I pay half the mortgage and my name is on the mortgage, and I have parked in that spot for the past 5 years of owning this home, I think her taking my spot was rude. As a matter of principle, I had her car moved. Am I wrong? She already lives in my house for free, despite my not wanting her there. I think the least she can do is stay the hell out of my spot and use some other part of our rather extensive driveway. I did not have a fit, I merely stated to Mom that I would not tolerate her taking over my spot and it needs to be moved. It was moved by the time I arrived home from the barn. I am sure Mom moved it, especially since it was tucked into the side of the driveway and not out in the middle, blocking everyone, as my sister normally parks. Am I a petty bitch? Maybe, but tough shit. I did offer for her to leave me a check for half the mortgage and she could leave her car in my spot. Alas, apparently contributing to the household wasn't acceptable for the Princess.

On a more positive note, the latest book for bookclub is actually pretty good. "Prodigal Summer" by Barbara Kingsolver is fairly amusing, describing the lives of two very witty women and two elderly neighbors, who's interactions have made me laugh more than once. I am really enjoying it, though only have a week to finish the book, which is over 500 pages. I am a slow reader, and with my schedule, I only have my 40 minutes at lunch to read. I am worried I will not finish in time for our meeting. I think this weekend I will find a quiet spot and relax with my book. After our reading so many "self-help" type books in the group, it is fun to finally read something for sheer entertainment. It has been a long time since I actually laughed out loud while reading anything other than an email or a blog. We are also having a psychic come to one of the upcoming meetings. I am both excited and nervous at the prospect of a psychic reading. If anything, it will certainly be interesting to hear.